A good year. But, somehow I knew it would be. I am not sure what told me so, but I certainly knew deep down that 2010 was it....the it year I suppose.
It started off with some peace ...but as peace would have it, it had to go. Some uneasy turmoil came strolling along and literally camped out in my heart...
To all of you reading... well, this is how and when Annabelle came to be. It seems all the uneasiness and fear had some words to set forth...some inner dialogue dying to be told. And it did... it was told and that whole experience was lovely and incredible-truly incredible. And that whole experience-- the Annabelle coming to homes everywhere is not over. I know this.
But, 2010 didn't end there. I told you it was the year. After Annabelle, came some more...lots more and now here I stand again.
I am happy but scared.
Proud but worried.
Hopeful but doubtful.
And, I wonder how can this be?
Well, it can. And it is. period.
So, with the closing of my year, 2010, comes now 2011... and, to be honest... to be very honest... I am not ready to let go yet of 2010.
Let me just say then, 2010, thank you. Thank you for being such a year. I will not forget you ever...
Love,
Me
Jenny RH
December 31, 2010.
Time: 11:50 PM
Friday, December 31, 2010
Sunday, December 5, 2010
A cup of coffee, a sandwich, and my love.
I heard these words the other day, and I thought it was sweet and perfect for this month of December when love and hope and comfort food is in the air.... Images of steaming cups of coffee and warm toasty sandwiches and, of course, some unconditional love gather around the fireplace (my imaginary fireplace cause I don't have one ;)...)...
Do you see these images as well?
It seems I do.
Hence, the reason why I chose to use these words as my title.
In my search for the right words.......in this forever long-life search of finding the right words... they seemed to fit somehow.
I suppose because it seems appropriate for how I am feeling these early days of December. To tell you the truth, I am mostly feeling all sorts of swamped with work coming from all directions in my life (book, masters, teaching, family, friends, house, ) but ......but somehow despite all the stress...
comfort and love and lots of hope keep me smiling and feeling all sorts of mushy mushy as well.
Yesterday, I attended an open house at a pre-school in hopes of introducing Annabelle's Love to some new children.. and this I did and I gotta say I felt happy.... truly happy in this world. Sometimes, I forget this feeling of ... I wrote and published a book that I hope many little girls will read and love and ask for at night... I wrote a book for little girls that I hope will sit on their nightstands or on their bookshelves...that I hope to sign and dedicate just to them so that they will always have and keep it ...
Sometimes, when the stress and work seem too much, I forget this feeling. Yesterday, it all came back to me, and I am very glad it did.
You see, what I am trying to say in awful awful ways at the moment.. is that yesterday was a great reminder of why I wrote this book. This visit to this school gave me the umpteenth boost to keep going and going. Because the best part of this book is actually sharing it with the children... the most fun really....
So, thank you Jen W. for the invite... thank you to all who supported Annabelle's Love yesterday and thank you, my title, for deeming yourself appropriate for this blog.
The title, yesterday's experience, and my hope are the perfect words for how I am feeling today.
So, on that final note...
here's my cup of coffee, my sandwich, and my love to you all... May they all conjure up some December images for you that are comforting, warm, loving and hopeful as well.
xo
Jenny RH
2010
Do you see these images as well?
It seems I do.
Hence, the reason why I chose to use these words as my title.
In my search for the right words.......in this forever long-life search of finding the right words... they seemed to fit somehow.
I suppose because it seems appropriate for how I am feeling these early days of December. To tell you the truth, I am mostly feeling all sorts of swamped with work coming from all directions in my life (book, masters, teaching, family, friends, house, ) but ......but somehow despite all the stress...
comfort and love and lots of hope keep me smiling and feeling all sorts of mushy mushy as well.
Yesterday, I attended an open house at a pre-school in hopes of introducing Annabelle's Love to some new children.. and this I did and I gotta say I felt happy.... truly happy in this world. Sometimes, I forget this feeling of ... I wrote and published a book that I hope many little girls will read and love and ask for at night... I wrote a book for little girls that I hope will sit on their nightstands or on their bookshelves...that I hope to sign and dedicate just to them so that they will always have and keep it ...
Sometimes, when the stress and work seem too much, I forget this feeling. Yesterday, it all came back to me, and I am very glad it did.
You see, what I am trying to say in awful awful ways at the moment.. is that yesterday was a great reminder of why I wrote this book. This visit to this school gave me the umpteenth boost to keep going and going. Because the best part of this book is actually sharing it with the children... the most fun really....
So, thank you Jen W. for the invite... thank you to all who supported Annabelle's Love yesterday and thank you, my title, for deeming yourself appropriate for this blog.
The title, yesterday's experience, and my hope are the perfect words for how I am feeling today.
So, on that final note...
here's my cup of coffee, my sandwich, and my love to you all... May they all conjure up some December images for you that are comforting, warm, loving and hopeful as well.
xo
Jenny RH
2010
Sunday, November 21, 2010
November Words
Somehow November is now coming to an end...
Somehow this has happened with only one entry ...wait ...! now two entries to represent this month in my life...
So many words have transpired in my mind, in my heart, out of my mouth and onto others... Most words I can't recall, but many words have managed to be imprinted in my memory.
I guess all I can say is November makes me feel like reflecting ....for obvious reasons, of course. The days are shorter ...the leaves have fallen, the air is biting and crisp and ......well, November seems like the beginning of a long, lonely winter.... Yet....
November in America is meant to do just the opposite... For one, it clearly makes many of us take a day to remember the Veterans....remember them ..appreciate them ...admire them for their sacrifices.
November also asks us to take a day to remember all those we are thankful for...all things we are blessed with...all days we keep living.....another Monday at work.... two functioning legs ... a reliable car... a nosey but loving mother... the turkey on the table and the family you can't truly live without...not really.
For me, I am no different. Yes, November feels lonely at first but it ends with a room filled with many... And, for this I am grateful. And, as for Annabelle... well, she is grateful as well ... So many have had positive words to say about her message. So many have welcomed her and me with open, open WIDE open arms.
All of this makes me see... makes me understand... makes my November words close with ....
I may feel lonely during some of these days.... but I am not alone... BIG difference...big big difference.
So.... thank you all who fill my November days with unconditional love, amazing support, some funny jokes, lots and lots of words, tight hugs, warm kisses, beating hearts, sweet sweet smiles, huge teeth-baring grins, sincere memories and more... You rock my November world....you do.
All my love then,
Jenny RH
Nov. 2010
Here is my room filled with many xxx
Somehow this has happened with only one entry ...wait ...! now two entries to represent this month in my life...
So many words have transpired in my mind, in my heart, out of my mouth and onto others... Most words I can't recall, but many words have managed to be imprinted in my memory.
I guess all I can say is November makes me feel like reflecting ....for obvious reasons, of course. The days are shorter ...the leaves have fallen, the air is biting and crisp and ......well, November seems like the beginning of a long, lonely winter.... Yet....
November in America is meant to do just the opposite... For one, it clearly makes many of us take a day to remember the Veterans....remember them ..appreciate them ...admire them for their sacrifices.
November also asks us to take a day to remember all those we are thankful for...all things we are blessed with...all days we keep living.....another Monday at work.... two functioning legs ... a reliable car... a nosey but loving mother... the turkey on the table and the family you can't truly live without...not really.
For me, I am no different. Yes, November feels lonely at first but it ends with a room filled with many... And, for this I am grateful. And, as for Annabelle... well, she is grateful as well ... So many have had positive words to say about her message. So many have welcomed her and me with open, open WIDE open arms.
All of this makes me see... makes me understand... makes my November words close with ....
I may feel lonely during some of these days.... but I am not alone... BIG difference...big big difference.
So.... thank you all who fill my November days with unconditional love, amazing support, some funny jokes, lots and lots of words, tight hugs, warm kisses, beating hearts, sweet sweet smiles, huge teeth-baring grins, sincere memories and more... You rock my November world....you do.
All my love then,
Jenny RH
Nov. 2010
Here is my room filled with many xxx
Friday, November 5, 2010
Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow
It is November now, and I honestly am not sure how this happened. These days all I can seem to do is look at each day as yesterday, today and tomorrow. Dates don't seem to apply at all to these days....
I am a perfect example it seems of someone who is taking everything day by day ...maybe even second by second... Is this a bad thing? I am not sure really. It just is.
This is the way it has to be for me for a while... My yoga friends might say.. well, at least you are PRESENT. And, I might have to say yes,,, at least this.
Nevertheless, in these yesterdays, and todays and tomorrows, lots of great things are happening and lots of painful scary things are happening as well because as we all know, life continues on no matter what...no matter if you wish for it to stop and wait for you. It just won't.
A quick glance at the people around you or even at the facebook newsfeed can show you this ....some people are thrilled about this or that while others are mourning a loss of some sort (RIP John)....
I suppose all I wish to say here today in this blog is whatever your days may be...whether you attach a date or not to them or are struggling to keep up with them, always cherish each moment and appreciate them. Life is a gift not a given.
Keep on trekking but keep on living... Find your happiness and don't let it go.
As for me, I am trying to do just this.... Each day this book brings me small joys and big challenges.
This book and my search for happiness is what I strive for these days.....
All my love then... stay happy, stay focused, stay driven and always cherish.
Jenny
random pic to look at ... even this way... just tilt your head and be present ;) xxxx
I am a perfect example it seems of someone who is taking everything day by day ...maybe even second by second... Is this a bad thing? I am not sure really. It just is.
This is the way it has to be for me for a while... My yoga friends might say.. well, at least you are PRESENT. And, I might have to say yes,,, at least this.
Nevertheless, in these yesterdays, and todays and tomorrows, lots of great things are happening and lots of painful scary things are happening as well because as we all know, life continues on no matter what...no matter if you wish for it to stop and wait for you. It just won't.
A quick glance at the people around you or even at the facebook newsfeed can show you this ....some people are thrilled about this or that while others are mourning a loss of some sort (RIP John)....
I suppose all I wish to say here today in this blog is whatever your days may be...whether you attach a date or not to them or are struggling to keep up with them, always cherish each moment and appreciate them. Life is a gift not a given.
Keep on trekking but keep on living... Find your happiness and don't let it go.
As for me, I am trying to do just this.... Each day this book brings me small joys and big challenges.
This book and my search for happiness is what I strive for these days.....
All my love then... stay happy, stay focused, stay driven and always cherish.
Jenny
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Two full-time jobs and a view from my chair.
From my chair today I watched as leaf after leaf, after colorful leaf fell to the ground... I heard cars whiz on by on the way to who knows where... It has been a beautiful Fall day.
Lucky me who gets to enjoy it.
From my chair.
Why? Well, now I have come to the realization that I have two full-time jobs, and both require my full attention at all times. Hence, the title "full-time"...
What this has come to mean suddenly is...
that this Fall I get to gather information about marketing this book instead of apples.
This Fall I get to go people picking on who can sell my book instead of pumpkin picking.
This Fall I get to carve into my work of grading and "amazoning" instead of said pumpkins.
This Fall I get to hike over to the library or book store in search of a book signing instead of through the woods in search of fresh air.
This Fall I get to enjoy warm apple ciders only from memory because every second counts next to this computer screen and not even one can be lost once I am immersed in this work.
This Fall the only mask I will wear is one of face-cleansing because stress has turned my face into a battlefield of sorts.
This Fall... I can go on, but I won't.
I'm not truly complaining..not truly... okay, maybe just a little but that's only because I do miss the freedom that comes with having nothing to do but enjoy apples, and cider, and books, and naps, and pumpkin picking and my family....
So, instead of complaining then, I shall instead focus on how lucky I am that today I accomplished so much and will accomplish more... all as I watched leaf after colorful leaf fall slowly to the ground. At least this much I can do to enjoy me some Fall.
All my love,
Jenny
x
Lucky me who gets to enjoy it.
From my chair.
Why? Well, now I have come to the realization that I have two full-time jobs, and both require my full attention at all times. Hence, the title "full-time"...
What this has come to mean suddenly is...
that this Fall I get to gather information about marketing this book instead of apples.
This Fall I get to go people picking on who can sell my book instead of pumpkin picking.
This Fall I get to carve into my work of grading and "amazoning" instead of said pumpkins.
This Fall I get to hike over to the library or book store in search of a book signing instead of through the woods in search of fresh air.
This Fall I get to enjoy warm apple ciders only from memory because every second counts next to this computer screen and not even one can be lost once I am immersed in this work.
This Fall the only mask I will wear is one of face-cleansing because stress has turned my face into a battlefield of sorts.
This Fall... I can go on, but I won't.
I'm not truly complaining..not truly... okay, maybe just a little but that's only because I do miss the freedom that comes with having nothing to do but enjoy apples, and cider, and books, and naps, and pumpkin picking and my family....
So, instead of complaining then, I shall instead focus on how lucky I am that today I accomplished so much and will accomplish more... all as I watched leaf after colorful leaf fall slowly to the ground. At least this much I can do to enjoy me some Fall.
All my love,
Jenny
x
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
A Lovely Blessed Wednesday
It all started with 12 book signings or maybe it started before that but let me just say it started to dawn on me when I actually sat down, looked at these 12 books purchased by some supportive coworkers and signed... They asked me to sign this book ...my book and they wanted my name...my signature and well, I guess it all of a sudden hit me....like some delayed bolt of lightning...
I can't put into words what it means to look at these multiple copies of my book ...I suppose looking at my single proof copy didn't make it feel real enough for me yet... whatever words I find for this feeling...Well, I don't believe they will perfectly describe all the emotions I felt at once.
Let me try two then: Immense Fulfillment.
Next, came an email....a long-awaited email...it didn't say much, but it said enough to add just another smile. Needed this one a whole bunch. x
When I arrived home, I was introduced to a video interview of myself while in Germany for the book fair. And, if the look on my face doesn't express it all, I don't know what else could. The ready-to-burst- from-pure- excitement- and- nerves look was evident... clearly evident.
But, you know what, it was perfect ...in my opinion, it was perfect because it was me...just me. Same me, Same Jenny..down to the core...all fumbled and messy and a bit scattered when nervous.
A little bit later...I hopped on to Amazon to see if the cover of my book was added yet, and it wasn't but I didn't care because the book had received its very first review!! Five star review nonetheless! Well, what can I say to this sweet Florence Green but thank you!! And, true to form, I did----- immediately! I commented on her comment because I was grateful she not only liked the book but shared the message...
In the midst of all of these smiles and smirks and internal screams.... I received an email from a former student from two years ago. (This year there seems to be many of these..must have been doing something right...) She said she missed me at her new school, she said "you prepared us for 7th grade so much.." and really that is all she needed to say because then I knew ... at least for one student, I did my job, and I did it well.
So, can you see now why in the middle of the week I find myself feeling all sorts of lucky and blessed? I've somehow managed to love what I do and somehow these two loves have managed to reward me so nicely...no..... so amazingly... yes, yes... amazingly is the better word here.
And, I won't sign off until I add this one last thought... Part of this experience has been made even better by all of you out there who send me comments, and "like" my posts, who text me some sweet stuff or pass on and share my ideas... I couldn't do any of this without all of you....Any of it. You know who you are...and I am forever grateful to you----each and every single one of you.
So..... now I can close and say (Dave W) I'm sorry if I sound all mushy and mushy...
It's because I am ...this is me...all grateful, happy, mushy and blessed.... so deal with it and keep me laughing cause I need the laughs... ;)
All sincere about all of this...,
Me,
Jenny
x
Here are the links to said video and review...:)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bum1ubVR7CI&feature=mfu_in_order&playnext=1&videos=SWDMXIiTl1A
http://www.amazon.com/Annabelles-Love-Jenny-Ramirez-Hart/product-reviews/160976515X/ref=dp_top_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1
I can't put into words what it means to look at these multiple copies of my book ...I suppose looking at my single proof copy didn't make it feel real enough for me yet... whatever words I find for this feeling...Well, I don't believe they will perfectly describe all the emotions I felt at once.
Let me try two then: Immense Fulfillment.
Next, came an email....a long-awaited email...it didn't say much, but it said enough to add just another smile. Needed this one a whole bunch. x
When I arrived home, I was introduced to a video interview of myself while in Germany for the book fair. And, if the look on my face doesn't express it all, I don't know what else could. The ready-to-burst- from-pure- excitement- and- nerves look was evident... clearly evident.
But, you know what, it was perfect ...in my opinion, it was perfect because it was me...just me. Same me, Same Jenny..down to the core...all fumbled and messy and a bit scattered when nervous.
A little bit later...I hopped on to Amazon to see if the cover of my book was added yet, and it wasn't but I didn't care because the book had received its very first review!! Five star review nonetheless! Well, what can I say to this sweet Florence Green but thank you!! And, true to form, I did----- immediately! I commented on her comment because I was grateful she not only liked the book but shared the message...
In the midst of all of these smiles and smirks and internal screams.... I received an email from a former student from two years ago. (This year there seems to be many of these..must have been doing something right...) She said she missed me at her new school, she said "you prepared us for 7th grade so much.." and really that is all she needed to say because then I knew ... at least for one student, I did my job, and I did it well.
So, can you see now why in the middle of the week I find myself feeling all sorts of lucky and blessed? I've somehow managed to love what I do and somehow these two loves have managed to reward me so nicely...no..... so amazingly... yes, yes... amazingly is the better word here.
And, I won't sign off until I add this one last thought... Part of this experience has been made even better by all of you out there who send me comments, and "like" my posts, who text me some sweet stuff or pass on and share my ideas... I couldn't do any of this without all of you....Any of it. You know who you are...and I am forever grateful to you----each and every single one of you.
So..... now I can close and say (Dave W) I'm sorry if I sound all mushy and mushy...
It's because I am ...this is me...all grateful, happy, mushy and blessed.... so deal with it and keep me laughing cause I need the laughs... ;)
All sincere about all of this...,
Me,
Jenny
x
Here are the links to said video and review...:)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bum1ubVR7CI&feature=mfu_in_order&playnext=1&videos=SWDMXIiTl1A
http://www.amazon.com/Annabelles-Love-Jenny-Ramirez-Hart/product-reviews/160976515X/ref=dp_top_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1
Friday, October 15, 2010
Reaching for Annabelle
So.... my book is finally out and all should be just pure bliss, right? All should be all smiles and smiles. All should be like eyes up to the sky ....all like this and more....
but somehow
some way
it is not.
And all I seem to feel now is heart to the floor.
With all of this, I find myself now looking and reaching for Annabelle knowing I need her so much more now than ever before... the message she sends I can't seem to locate or recall. and...it seems I can't find her or the reasons why she now exists on paper.
I guess this is how life is... you take the good, but you must take the bad as well. Always a give and a take. I suppose it would be too much to ask if I wished for some good and some good. Life just doesn't work this way. At least not for me.
So, all that's left is to not give up. Annabelle, she will come back to me. I know. Time will bring her back to me. Time is a wonderful friend who eventually fixes everything...
Germany by the way was lovely...bittersweet lovely. No books were sold, but it was an amazing experience...
Met some incredible people from all over the world... and I felt at home when I was surrounded by all the books...so many so many books.
And this book..my book... well, now it brings me into the next realm of things...that of an unknown working to share it with many,,,,hmmm
would help then if I could reach Annabelle... be Annabelle.
So, on this note... I shall be off ...I leave you with a pic from Germany.. the River Rhine... where all seemed possible then. When all seemed like I could get good and good all at once. Silly me. Silly me for thinking this.
All my love,
Jenny
Cheers x
Oh and here is the link for my long-awaited press release...
http://www.prlog.org/10991725-annabelles-love-your-first-love-should-always-be-yourself.html
and an extra link on my author page...
http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/AnnabellesLove.html
but somehow
some way
it is not.
And all I seem to feel now is heart to the floor.
With all of this, I find myself now looking and reaching for Annabelle knowing I need her so much more now than ever before... the message she sends I can't seem to locate or recall. and...it seems I can't find her or the reasons why she now exists on paper.
I guess this is how life is... you take the good, but you must take the bad as well. Always a give and a take. I suppose it would be too much to ask if I wished for some good and some good. Life just doesn't work this way. At least not for me.
So, all that's left is to not give up. Annabelle, she will come back to me. I know. Time will bring her back to me. Time is a wonderful friend who eventually fixes everything...
Germany by the way was lovely...bittersweet lovely. No books were sold, but it was an amazing experience...
Met some incredible people from all over the world... and I felt at home when I was surrounded by all the books...so many so many books.
And this book..my book... well, now it brings me into the next realm of things...that of an unknown working to share it with many,,,,hmmm
would help then if I could reach Annabelle... be Annabelle.
So, on this note... I shall be off ...I leave you with a pic from Germany.. the River Rhine... where all seemed possible then. When all seemed like I could get good and good all at once. Silly me. Silly me for thinking this.
All my love,
Jenny
Cheers x
Oh and here is the link for my long-awaited press release...
http://www.prlog.org/10991725-annabelles-love-your-first-love-should-always-be-yourself.html
and an extra link on my author page...
http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/AnnabellesLove.html
Monday, October 4, 2010
Ich wunshce Ihnen eine angenehme Reise.
Guten tag!
Ich heibe Jenny.
Ich bin American.
Ich komme aus New Jersey.
Wo ist der taxistand?
Wo ist die toilette?
These are the very few phrases I have learned so far... I clearly have a lot more to learn. I can't possibly maintain any conversation with a native German with phrases consisting of Hello! My name is, I'm American, I'm from New Jersey, Where is the taxi stand? Where is the bathroom?
Clearly, I have a long way to go and very little time to do it. Learning how to get by on some more German was my intention... knowing that now I need to get by on a pathetic amount of German and lots of physical movements in the hopes that most people speak English (silly spoiled American) is my reality.
I'm off in two days time to my very first book fair in Frankfurt, Germany to show this book off ;), to share this book with many, to begin a lot of talk about this book and to hopefully have some German publishing company wish to publish my book in German. All of this planned just in time to get the "travel warning"... so sad... so depressing...so scary really.
Like I haven't been all sorts of messy and stressed out about this trip already and what it means for me... the beginning of something, I hope! Let's throw in some fear of ....you know...can't bring myself to say it.
Nevertheless, aside from this fear and these nerves, I feel quite fantastic. As if I could separate all of these different feelings into little compartments, I've managed to feel quite pleased... Today, I received one expected package and one unexpected email.
The expected contained my PROOF copy of the book (yay!)... that I will need to examine very very closely so I can approve it... This means (after my approval) all will be set in motion more so than it has been already.
The unexpected came from the very reason I became a teacher... the very reason I wrote a book for children. It was an email and it was adorable and funny and honest but most of all it contained an "I miss English class from last year." and, well, you know... which person on earth wouldn't want to be missed by the very reason he or she works so hard for???
Sooooo..... so what...my German is pathetic? Who needs to master this language a bit more in order to get by these next few days??? Well, me ....but honestly, today (right now) I can't seem to sit still with all the bubbly happiness stirring up inside of me... I guess, this German will have to do...just have to do!
And, in the end, when all is said and done, I wish myself this and this here only, and I hope you do too...
Ich wunshce Ihnen eine angenehme Reise.
Because it means " I hope you have a pleasant journey." ... I wish this for myself so very much...
All my love,
Jenny
x
I will try to post while in Germany, but most likely it will not happen until I return! I may even add some pictures of the entire experience as well.
Ich heibe Jenny.
Ich bin American.
Ich komme aus New Jersey.
Wo ist der taxistand?
Wo ist die toilette?
These are the very few phrases I have learned so far... I clearly have a lot more to learn. I can't possibly maintain any conversation with a native German with phrases consisting of Hello! My name is, I'm American, I'm from New Jersey, Where is the taxi stand? Where is the bathroom?
Clearly, I have a long way to go and very little time to do it. Learning how to get by on some more German was my intention... knowing that now I need to get by on a pathetic amount of German and lots of physical movements in the hopes that most people speak English (silly spoiled American) is my reality.
I'm off in two days time to my very first book fair in Frankfurt, Germany to show this book off ;), to share this book with many, to begin a lot of talk about this book and to hopefully have some German publishing company wish to publish my book in German. All of this planned just in time to get the "travel warning"... so sad... so depressing...so scary really.
Like I haven't been all sorts of messy and stressed out about this trip already and what it means for me... the beginning of something, I hope! Let's throw in some fear of ....you know...can't bring myself to say it.
Nevertheless, aside from this fear and these nerves, I feel quite fantastic. As if I could separate all of these different feelings into little compartments, I've managed to feel quite pleased... Today, I received one expected package and one unexpected email.
The expected contained my PROOF copy of the book (yay!)... that I will need to examine very very closely so I can approve it... This means (after my approval) all will be set in motion more so than it has been already.
The unexpected came from the very reason I became a teacher... the very reason I wrote a book for children. It was an email and it was adorable and funny and honest but most of all it contained an "I miss English class from last year." and, well, you know... which person on earth wouldn't want to be missed by the very reason he or she works so hard for???
Sooooo..... so what...my German is pathetic? Who needs to master this language a bit more in order to get by these next few days??? Well, me ....but honestly, today (right now) I can't seem to sit still with all the bubbly happiness stirring up inside of me... I guess, this German will have to do...just have to do!
And, in the end, when all is said and done, I wish myself this and this here only, and I hope you do too...
Ich wunshce Ihnen eine angenehme Reise.
Because it means " I hope you have a pleasant journey." ... I wish this for myself so very much...
All my love,
Jenny
x
Thursday, September 30, 2010
I remember...
Days of tan skin and chilled white wine
some sandy feet days and grass-stained shorts
of countless words placed on paper
written and typed with my fingers
or read and read over with my eyes
daydreams filled with bright bright brightness
and hope...lots of hope
of long phone calls and longer emails
busy catching up with sleep
and old memories
Days of clear visions and
moving and swaying hips
of organization of this or that
or photos toyed with over and over again
of small responsibilities but large empty pockets
never the matter
cause they were the days...
the days of summer
and now I remember these days
and feel like reversing time
cause these days
are days of white cold skin and red wine ...lots of red wine
to get me through covered feet and chalk-stained pants
of countless words squeezed in just in the nick of time
written by me not when inspired but when forced
and now words written on paper must be inspected for
spelling and context
now my naps are lost minutes of darkness
and I have hope... lots of it for
a Saturday or a Sunday
long gone are the long phone calls
these days I am a professional texter cause
what needs to get said is said
these days I'm busy catching up with this to do list and that other
one over there
oh and yes, three more left at home
blurred vision greets me in the morning and late at night
and the only swaying that takes place
involves my dead tired body as it drifts off to bed
where disorganization breathes down my neck
every single second
of my day
and my photos-- wait, what photos?
haven't had a moment to snap
responsibilities is what my days start with
and ends with
those empty pockets?
still empty.
But, I remember...
and I won't forget
so this here is why I write
cause these memories need to get off my chest
And I need to get used to these days of present
they are not so bad...
I guess.
So on this note, I'm off to tackle a duty imposed by these here days.
all my love then,
Jenny
P.S. My proof copy is coming.. .. it's in the mail I heard today...! And next week is the Book Fair in Germany which I am attending...how can I then complain, really?
I mean really???!!
;)
x
some sandy feet days and grass-stained shorts
of countless words placed on paper
written and typed with my fingers
or read and read over with my eyes
daydreams filled with bright bright brightness
and hope...lots of hope
of long phone calls and longer emails
busy catching up with sleep
and old memories
Days of clear visions and
moving and swaying hips
of organization of this or that
or photos toyed with over and over again
of small responsibilities but large empty pockets
never the matter
cause they were the days...
the days of summer
and now I remember these days
and feel like reversing time
cause these days
are days of white cold skin and red wine ...lots of red wine
to get me through covered feet and chalk-stained pants
of countless words squeezed in just in the nick of time
written by me not when inspired but when forced
and now words written on paper must be inspected for
spelling and context
now my naps are lost minutes of darkness
and I have hope... lots of it for
a Saturday or a Sunday
long gone are the long phone calls
these days I am a professional texter cause
what needs to get said is said
these days I'm busy catching up with this to do list and that other
one over there
oh and yes, three more left at home
blurred vision greets me in the morning and late at night
and the only swaying that takes place
involves my dead tired body as it drifts off to bed
where disorganization breathes down my neck
every single second
of my day
and my photos-- wait, what photos?
haven't had a moment to snap
responsibilities is what my days start with
and ends with
those empty pockets?
still empty.
But, I remember...
and I won't forget
so this here is why I write
cause these memories need to get off my chest
And I need to get used to these days of present
they are not so bad...
I guess.
So on this note, I'm off to tackle a duty imposed by these here days.
all my love then,
Jenny
P.S. My proof copy is coming.. .. it's in the mail I heard today...! And next week is the Book Fair in Germany which I am attending...how can I then complain, really?
I mean really???!!
;)
x
Friday, September 24, 2010
My Single and Wretched "What If"
Recently, something has come back. It has joined me again and now presently swarms throughout my mind day and night, day and night.
Captain What If is single, determined and wretched. It weighs heavy on my heart, and its answer never reveals itself. It just continues on its miserable journey and pops us unexpectedly. It's all so familiar.
And, by now I should know it always comes back no matter what walls I put up. It crushes them to pieces and renders them worthless.
Laughs at the rubbles.
My what if longs to be "on top of the world" again -always has wanted this- but for now it feels most comfortable in its wretchedness, doubt and worry.
And, thank goodness for the work that keeps me busy day and night. Thank goodness for the hope I have for this Annabelle. Thank goodness for crazy families and steadfast friends. These keep, for moments at a time, ...these keep Captain What If at bay ...at arm's length. For moments, I'm free.
But, don't worry my what if, I have pledged myself to you. You will never leave my side and I yours...until perhaps the day (one could hope) we are both "on top of the world."
Until then, we are joined on this search
and journey.
x
Captain What If is single, determined and wretched. It weighs heavy on my heart, and its answer never reveals itself. It just continues on its miserable journey and pops us unexpectedly. It's all so familiar.
And, by now I should know it always comes back no matter what walls I put up. It crushes them to pieces and renders them worthless.
Laughs at the rubbles.
My what if longs to be "on top of the world" again -always has wanted this- but for now it feels most comfortable in its wretchedness, doubt and worry.
And, thank goodness for the work that keeps me busy day and night. Thank goodness for the hope I have for this Annabelle. Thank goodness for crazy families and steadfast friends. These keep, for moments at a time, ...these keep Captain What If at bay ...at arm's length. For moments, I'm free.
But, don't worry my what if, I have pledged myself to you. You will never leave my side and I yours...until perhaps the day (one could hope) we are both "on top of the world."
Until then, we are joined on this search
and journey.
x
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Jenny etc... in the name department.
Last week in my pursuit to promote this little book I wrote, an article was written and posted about me and it in the local paper. The article was perfectly lovely, and it had all the correct quotes with all the sweetest comments. However, what it didn't have was my correct name. In fact, my name was listed as Jenny Martin.
Of course, I was teased. Of course, I was teased some more. Of course, I was teased PERIOD. And, I held it together and laughed it off and tried to find the exact words to examine it all and explain it ( I know I have a plentiful of ands here).
I wasn't sure what exactly was bugging me about it all ( I mean besides the obvious) and then a funny text was sent by my friend. It said," I thought you got married again?!"
haha.
And then I knew what I have always known ... that somehow I have made a mess of my life or at the very least... my names.
You see,
I was born with Jenny Ramirez
in my early twenties, I became Jenny Bingley
that was short- lived
then, in my late twenties, I became Jenny Hart
and, just recently, after all I've gone through, I am now
Jenny Ramirez Hart. (not Jenny Martin)
I just don't know how to feel about this all, for it is all for me a bit embarrassing. A bit painful and honestly a bit sad.
But, in the end, what can I do about it really? What can I change about the decisions I've made? What time machine exists?
Clearly, there is nothing I can do, there is nothing I can change and there is most certainly no time machine to climb in and escape away.
I can do nothing but feel okay about it all I suppose--hope to feel at peace with it even if I could someday because it's what I've done, what I have been through and what has made me the person I am today.
So call me Jenny Ramirez or Jenny Hart or Jenny Ramirez Hart, Jenny Martin even... all I know is that I am Jenny etc in the name department.. and there is nothing I can do about it... not one thing.
I suppose this is one more reason why I wrote this book for the little Annabelles in the world...who hopefully will be wise in all their years (young and old) and who may always know the right decisions to make and the right actions to take... all the wise and right moves to make.
x
p.s.
Here is the link to said article...(name has been corrected btw)
www.northjersey.com/news/102560429_Writer_tells_young_girls_to_look_within.html
Of course, I was teased. Of course, I was teased some more. Of course, I was teased PERIOD. And, I held it together and laughed it off and tried to find the exact words to examine it all and explain it ( I know I have a plentiful of ands here).
I wasn't sure what exactly was bugging me about it all ( I mean besides the obvious) and then a funny text was sent by my friend. It said," I thought you got married again?!"
haha.
And then I knew what I have always known ... that somehow I have made a mess of my life or at the very least... my names.
You see,
I was born with Jenny Ramirez
in my early twenties, I became Jenny Bingley
that was short- lived
then, in my late twenties, I became Jenny Hart
and, just recently, after all I've gone through, I am now
Jenny Ramirez Hart. (not Jenny Martin)
I just don't know how to feel about this all, for it is all for me a bit embarrassing. A bit painful and honestly a bit sad.
But, in the end, what can I do about it really? What can I change about the decisions I've made? What time machine exists?
Clearly, there is nothing I can do, there is nothing I can change and there is most certainly no time machine to climb in and escape away.
I can do nothing but feel okay about it all I suppose--hope to feel at peace with it even if I could someday because it's what I've done, what I have been through and what has made me the person I am today.
So call me Jenny Ramirez or Jenny Hart or Jenny Ramirez Hart, Jenny Martin even... all I know is that I am Jenny etc in the name department.. and there is nothing I can do about it... not one thing.
I suppose this is one more reason why I wrote this book for the little Annabelles in the world...who hopefully will be wise in all their years (young and old) and who may always know the right decisions to make and the right actions to take... all the wise and right moves to make.
x
p.s.
Here is the link to said article...(name has been corrected btw)
www.northjersey.com/news/102560429_Writer_tells_young_girls_to_look_within.html
Saturday, September 11, 2010
From A- Z on 9/11
Name after name are being read as I type
fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers, uncles,
aunts, sons, daughters, husbands, wives,
cousins, nieces, nephews, friends and more...
much much more
and they all had different eyes, different smiles ...
different faces, different names
these beautiful people
and they all look happy or calm in the
pictures shown for us to see
I think..
they probably all liked different things,
laughed at different jokes, believed in different ideas,
spoke different languages
all from different backgrounds
and cultures too it seems....
so many differences
all so very different.
BUT what I know is
they all shed the same blood
on that day
and what I know is
NOW we all shed the
same tears for them
and all I can think as I sit and watch is
when are we all going to learn...?
when are we all going to realize...?
that you are like me
and I am like you.
that I have skin that cuts just like yours
blood the color of yours
family who loves just like yours
A heart that hurts just like
yours
I am no different than you; not much more special AT ALL
We are one in the same
Wish all in the world could know this
Wish all in the world could have known
on that day
that hate makes no sense
humans we ALL are and humans
we will always be
regardless of race, color, culture, beliefs, backgrounds and religion
I am like you
and you are like me
Can't you see?
To all those who left us on this day
and to all those who leave us everyday
around the world
in the name of hate...,
I know and I hope
Everyday
I hope for us, the human race.
fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers, uncles,
aunts, sons, daughters, husbands, wives,
cousins, nieces, nephews, friends and more...
much much more
and they all had different eyes, different smiles ...
different faces, different names
these beautiful people
and they all look happy or calm in the
pictures shown for us to see
I think..
they probably all liked different things,
laughed at different jokes, believed in different ideas,
spoke different languages
all from different backgrounds
and cultures too it seems....
so many differences
all so very different.
BUT what I know is
they all shed the same blood
on that day
and what I know is
NOW we all shed the
same tears for them
and all I can think as I sit and watch is
when are we all going to learn...?
when are we all going to realize...?
that you are like me
and I am like you.
that I have skin that cuts just like yours
blood the color of yours
family who loves just like yours
A heart that hurts just like
yours
I am no different than you; not much more special AT ALL
We are one in the same
Wish all in the world could know this
Wish all in the world could have known
on that day
that hate makes no sense
humans we ALL are and humans
we will always be
regardless of race, color, culture, beliefs, backgrounds and religion
I am like you
and you are like me
Can't you see?
To all those who left us on this day
and to all those who leave us everyday
around the world
in the name of hate...,
I know and I hope
Everyday
I hope for us, the human race.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
The Hidden Plate
My plate is hidden underneath all the lot I placed upon it. I can't even say" I have a lot on my plate" right now and these days because I can't even see this plate, my plate.
I have about ten books sitting on my nightstand still waiting for me to read.
I have about ten more amazing magazines in a basket my thoughtful brother subscribed me to waiting for me to browse.
I have one article waiting for me to write.
One master's class waiting for me to finish so I can start the other two....(frown face)
About 150 students to plan for
and a classroom waiting to complete with all the final touches.
I have a day's worth of research waiting for me to get on to look for places in which I can sign my books or market it nicely.
I have friends who are sweet enough to forgive my cancellations or my lack of calls (you know who you are)
and a wedding that takes place this weekend taken care of by my family (thank you, sis) who for some reason understands.
I have a treadmill ready for running and a waist pleading for me to do so today.
A house that needs some dusting and some tweaking
and more, much much more.
All of this to do. All of this on my plate.
No wonder I broke down in a fit of pathetic tears last night, spewing nonsense left and right. Thank goodness for bad movies, comfortable couches and listening ears ( you know who you are).
All that's left to say now is that this blog is lousy- plain lousy meant only for me to unleash some frustrations
and all that's left to hope
is that my family and friends are still around when this whirlwind ends... if it ever does.
Because without you, well, I know I
can't -just can't.
And that's all that's left to say about this hidden plate of mine.
Wait for me please.
J
x
I have about ten books sitting on my nightstand still waiting for me to read.
I have about ten more amazing magazines in a basket my thoughtful brother subscribed me to waiting for me to browse.
I have one article waiting for me to write.
One master's class waiting for me to finish so I can start the other two....(frown face)
About 150 students to plan for
and a classroom waiting to complete with all the final touches.
I have a day's worth of research waiting for me to get on to look for places in which I can sign my books or market it nicely.
I have friends who are sweet enough to forgive my cancellations or my lack of calls (you know who you are)
and a wedding that takes place this weekend taken care of by my family (thank you, sis) who for some reason understands.
I have a treadmill ready for running and a waist pleading for me to do so today.
A house that needs some dusting and some tweaking
and more, much much more.
All of this to do. All of this on my plate.
No wonder I broke down in a fit of pathetic tears last night, spewing nonsense left and right. Thank goodness for bad movies, comfortable couches and listening ears ( you know who you are).
All that's left to say now is that this blog is lousy- plain lousy meant only for me to unleash some frustrations
and all that's left to hope
is that my family and friends are still around when this whirlwind ends... if it ever does.
Because without you, well, I know I
can't -just can't.
And that's all that's left to say about this hidden plate of mine.
Wait for me please.
J
x
Monday, September 6, 2010
I am a chest full of drawers.
Some drawers are open and are filled
with many this and thats
These are the top drawers that keep my life
in order and functioning
They may always need to be kept open, and they will
always be kept the tidiest
cause I can control these top
drawers
Like many others, I have compartmentalized these top drawers
into
teacher, student, writer, resident, housekeeper, citizen, sister, friend,daughter, ... you get the picture.
There are other drawers
that I attempt to seal,
but they defeat my attempts every time.
They will close after a while but refuse to seal themselves shut for life
and at times (when least expected) they open
and cause me discomfort and sometimes pain.
I want to control these drawers
and pretend they don't exist.
But no amount of tape or disregard
makes them disappear.
They are located at the very bottom of my chest and
somehow have become the foundation that supports the rest of drawers,
and it if it weren't for the discomfort
or pain they cause when opened,
I wouldn't so much mind them
at all.
But, the fact remains
I am a chest full of drawers
drawers that open and close at their will it seems
and I have no control over
them
not one bit.
so why kid myself
Couldn't sleep last night or this morning cause somethings were bugging me, and I couldn't help but think of these things in this way. Cause when you think about it-- when you really think about it, it makes sense. Our hearts are so big and available to feel so many things at the same time- love, admiration, sadness, contempt, anger... And these emotions just pop up and appear without a head's up at all, leaving you knowing all over again ...
that you have no control over much regarding the heart.
(sad face)
My best then
x
Jenny
with many this and thats
These are the top drawers that keep my life
in order and functioning
They may always need to be kept open, and they will
always be kept the tidiest
cause I can control these top
drawers
Like many others, I have compartmentalized these top drawers
into
teacher, student, writer, resident, housekeeper, citizen, sister, friend,daughter, ... you get the picture.
There are other drawers
that I attempt to seal,
but they defeat my attempts every time.
They will close after a while but refuse to seal themselves shut for life
and at times (when least expected) they open
and cause me discomfort and sometimes pain.
I want to control these drawers
and pretend they don't exist.
But no amount of tape or disregard
makes them disappear.
They are located at the very bottom of my chest and
somehow have become the foundation that supports the rest of drawers,
and it if it weren't for the discomfort
or pain they cause when opened,
I wouldn't so much mind them
at all.
But, the fact remains
I am a chest full of drawers
drawers that open and close at their will it seems
and I have no control over
them
not one bit.
so why kid myself
Couldn't sleep last night or this morning cause somethings were bugging me, and I couldn't help but think of these things in this way. Cause when you think about it-- when you really think about it, it makes sense. Our hearts are so big and available to feel so many things at the same time- love, admiration, sadness, contempt, anger... And these emotions just pop up and appear without a head's up at all, leaving you knowing all over again ...
that you have no control over much regarding the heart.
(sad face)
My best then
x
Jenny
Thursday, September 2, 2010
September welcomed
me
at Newark Airport.
And, she invited Reality, the realistic one of the bunch, to come along.
Apparently, there was a fantastic party happening in which I was the special guest.
At this party, I was greeted by
Mr. & Mrs. Bills
and the Email family- all who shared lots of deadlines
with me that need to be met by tomorrow, Sept 3rd (remember? the one who graciously welcomed me at the airport...well, her third daughter)
Mr. Back- to-School was there as well, and he was hot and sticky.
The Dehydrated Plant family, dry and dull, met me at the front door
and intently stared at me until I attended to their needs--jeez...
what kind of special guest treatment is that.
Oh,
And I almost forgot... Laundry came along too and brought lots of dirty.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
What can I say...
I am being very silly here and trying to find some humor in the fact that
I may be experiencing some post-vacation blues perhaps some back-to-school upset...
maybe a dab of why did I add another title to the freelance work?!?! self-doubt
but most of all some of this book is coming- this book is coming rude awakening.
So, there you have it. In my current mess of chores and in my search to find the right words, I can only come up with this little sad tale of a September party.
sorry!
Will try harder next time
or not
Depends on the party guests...
love,
me
Jenny
at Newark Airport.
And, she invited Reality, the realistic one of the bunch, to come along.
Apparently, there was a fantastic party happening in which I was the special guest.
At this party, I was greeted by
Mr. & Mrs. Bills
and the Email family- all who shared lots of deadlines
with me that need to be met by tomorrow, Sept 3rd (remember? the one who graciously welcomed me at the airport...well, her third daughter)
Mr. Back- to-School was there as well, and he was hot and sticky.
The Dehydrated Plant family, dry and dull, met me at the front door
and intently stared at me until I attended to their needs--jeez...
what kind of special guest treatment is that.
Oh,
And I almost forgot... Laundry came along too and brought lots of dirty.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
What can I say...
I am being very silly here and trying to find some humor in the fact that
I may be experiencing some post-vacation blues perhaps some back-to-school upset...
maybe a dab of why did I add another title to the freelance work?!?! self-doubt
but most of all some of this book is coming- this book is coming rude awakening.
So, there you have it. In my current mess of chores and in my search to find the right words, I can only come up with this little sad tale of a September party.
sorry!
Will try harder next time
or not
Depends on the party guests...
love,
me
Jenny
Sunday, August 29, 2010
This Love Has Got No Ceiling
This morning was my last morning in Avon, Colorado. As I looked out at the green, green mountains, I couldn't find the right words to complete this ...At that very exact moment, when I had nothing... this song came on... So, in the words of Eddie Vedder, I complete this blog, for he completed and filled in my blanks perfectly.
Comes the morning when I can feel
that there is nothing left to be concealed
moving on ....seems surreal
no, my heart will never
never be far from here
Sure as I'm breathing...Sure as I am sad
I'll keep this wisdom in my flesh
I leave here believing more than I have
and there is a reason I'll be... a reason I'll be back
As I walk the hemisphere, I got my wish to up and disappear
I've been wounded
I've been healed
now for landing I've been....for landing I've been cleared
Sure as I'm breathing... Sure as I'm sad
I'll keep this wisdom in my flesh
I leave here believing more than I have
This Love Has Got No Ceiling
Take a look at the Love I had in mind...this is the reason I'll be back. I leave here believing more than I have.
Love,
me, Jenny
Comes the morning when I can feel
that there is nothing left to be concealed
moving on ....seems surreal
no, my heart will never
never be far from here
Sure as I'm breathing...Sure as I am sad
I'll keep this wisdom in my flesh
I leave here believing more than I have
and there is a reason I'll be... a reason I'll be back
As I walk the hemisphere, I got my wish to up and disappear
I've been wounded
I've been healed
now for landing I've been....for landing I've been cleared
Sure as I'm breathing... Sure as I'm sad
I'll keep this wisdom in my flesh
I leave here believing more than I have
This Love Has Got No Ceiling
Love,
me, Jenny
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Things that make me queasy
Bad dreams.
Unexpected phone calls.
Long forms to complete.
Annabelle's smile on the last page.
Annabelle's shoes----would I have my own daughter in these shoes?
Cold calling.
These are the things that have occurred already this morning.
And they make me queasy- by definition, nauseated, filling ill in the stomach.
I had a bad dream involving all sorts of past demons...
I was on a trip with my family and some other people I do not care to mention
and these people kept changing (one person came in replaced by another)
and no one seemed to care
about the fact that this trip
was set to promote this book, my book, my baby,
because in this dream only two books were published
and I had lost my publisher somehow.
I suppose I was looking for my publisher and
fighting off these
people/past demons?
Woke up to an unexpected phone call
and then later realized I have a long form
to complete regarding front and back cover
and it involves me cold calling local
newpapers or book stores
to promote said book.
All of this in the midst of my trip
( Colorado trance
completely
dismissed by queasy things)
So, on this note... I'm off to tackle the Colorado River because
today we are rafting.
Suddenly, I am feeling ill in the stomach all over again-
queasy.
Love nonetheless,
Jenny
x
Unexpected phone calls.
Long forms to complete.
Annabelle's smile on the last page.
Annabelle's shoes----would I have my own daughter in these shoes?
Cold calling.
These are the things that have occurred already this morning.
And they make me queasy- by definition, nauseated, filling ill in the stomach.
I had a bad dream involving all sorts of past demons...
I was on a trip with my family and some other people I do not care to mention
and these people kept changing (one person came in replaced by another)
and no one seemed to care
about the fact that this trip
was set to promote this book, my book, my baby,
because in this dream only two books were published
and I had lost my publisher somehow.
I suppose I was looking for my publisher and
fighting off these
people/past demons?
Woke up to an unexpected phone call
and then later realized I have a long form
to complete regarding front and back cover
and it involves me cold calling local
newpapers or book stores
to promote said book.
All of this in the midst of my trip
( Colorado trance
completely
dismissed by queasy things)
So, on this note... I'm off to tackle the Colorado River because
today we are rafting.
Suddenly, I am feeling ill in the stomach all over again-
queasy.
Love nonetheless,
Jenny
x
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
In a Colorado Trance
In short, I've been in a (as per dictionary) hypnotic, cataleptic, and/or ecstatic state.
I'm thinking it may be the elevation, maybe the fresh air???
or the kind, most-patient locals, but most of all
I think
it's just the grand beauty that I wake up to everyday so far.
It is lovely here.
And the people are super sweet; they seem truly sincere in fact.
And I'm just well,
taken
by it all.
I call it ...
in a Colorado trance.
I wonder if this happens to all who visit.
Nevertheless...
This morning I wake up and realize I haven't heard from the editor and/or illustrator
and today is Kiss and Make Up Day so I should probably (being the Marriage Examiner and all ;) write an article about it somehow
and my book is being sent to the Beijing Book Fair and I haven't heard from them
either
sooooo I suppose the trance has come and gone.
But, I hope not because I prefer
smiling
over
frowning
or stressing
much much more.
So, I'm here then to send the appropriate emails to the appropriate people
and to submit this here blog
and then I'm off to
purposely place myself
back again
in this
trance.
In my short-lived Colorado Trance.
All my love,
Jenny
x
I'm thinking it may be the elevation, maybe the fresh air???
or the kind, most-patient locals, but most of all
I think
it's just the grand beauty that I wake up to everyday so far.
It is lovely here.
And the people are super sweet; they seem truly sincere in fact.
And I'm just well,
taken
by it all.
I call it ...
in a Colorado trance.
I wonder if this happens to all who visit.
Nevertheless...
This morning I wake up and realize I haven't heard from the editor and/or illustrator
and today is Kiss and Make Up Day so I should probably (being the Marriage Examiner and all ;) write an article about it somehow
and my book is being sent to the Beijing Book Fair and I haven't heard from them
either
sooooo I suppose the trance has come and gone.
But, I hope not because I prefer
smiling
over
frowning
or stressing
much much more.
So, I'm here then to send the appropriate emails to the appropriate people
and to submit this here blog
and then I'm off to
purposely place myself
back again
in this
trance.
All my love,
Jenny
x
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Leaving New Jersey behind.
So this evening I find myself in Avon, Colorado, and I've brought the laptop in case
I hear from the editor
I hear from the Newark Examiner
I get an idea I want to write about
I find a split second to work on my last Master's class of the summer
I need to email a friend
I need to need to check twitter or facebook
And all I'm thinking is what is wrong with me?
I am in beautiful, amazing-so-far Colorado where I all want to do is take a picture of this
and that
and somehow none of these pictures do this state justice because what I'm finding
is
I should've left this laptop at home
along with the concern about hearing from
the editor
the Newark Examiner
a friend
or other
along with the need to write in case I get an idea or
to work on my master's class cause that is just plain crazy
You see what I need to do during my stay is
seriously
seriously
seriously
leave New Jersey behind.
hmmmm...food for thought.
Let's see how well I can do that then.
All my love,
Jenny
do you see what I mean?
I hear from the editor
I hear from the Newark Examiner
I get an idea I want to write about
I find a split second to work on my last Master's class of the summer
I need to email a friend
I need to need to check twitter or facebook
And all I'm thinking is what is wrong with me?
I am in beautiful, amazing-so-far Colorado where I all want to do is take a picture of this
and that
and somehow none of these pictures do this state justice because what I'm finding
is
I should've left this laptop at home
along with the concern about hearing from
the editor
the Newark Examiner
a friend
or other
along with the need to write in case I get an idea or
to work on my master's class cause that is just plain crazy
You see what I need to do during my stay is
seriously
seriously
seriously
leave New Jersey behind.
hmmmm...food for thought.
Let's see how well I can do that then.
All my love,
Jenny
do you see what I mean?Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Some Words. Some Pennies. And Some Changes.
This is it. This is how my morning has turned out so far.
Some words.
I have written some words on two different topics this week and received some sweet recognition from friends, family and even some strangers.
Some pennies.
These words have helped me to earn some serious money.
In fact, yesterday alone I earned
(wait, I'm checking my records to be correct) $2. 22!
I know! I know! Insane amounts of money.
Some changes.
This morning I received the SECOND layout of my book to be approved.
I'm happy with some of the changes.
And frustrated with the lack of others.
Either way I expressed my concerns with bold print in some areas again.
What's left?
Well, here is what's left.
These some words have blessed me with some pennies.
Pennies I am proud of to be honest because I know for the second time in my life (first time being when I walked into the classroom as a teacher/not a student)
that I am doing something I have found to love e n t i r e l y----write.
And, what I need to remember time and time again is that writing..... will always involve
Some changes.
So, there. That's it. My thoughts for today in my Search for the Right Words.
All my best as always-
Jenny
Some words.
I have written some words on two different topics this week and received some sweet recognition from friends, family and even some strangers.
Some pennies.
These words have helped me to earn some serious money.
In fact, yesterday alone I earned
(wait, I'm checking my records to be correct) $2. 22!
I know! I know! Insane amounts of money.
Some changes.
This morning I received the SECOND layout of my book to be approved.
I'm happy with some of the changes.
And frustrated with the lack of others.
Either way I expressed my concerns with bold print in some areas again.
What's left?
Well, here is what's left.
These some words have blessed me with some pennies.
Pennies I am proud of to be honest because I know for the second time in my life (first time being when I walked into the classroom as a teacher/not a student)
that I am doing something I have found to love e n t i r e l y----write.
And, what I need to remember time and time again is that writing..... will always involve
Some changes.
So, there. That's it. My thoughts for today in my Search for the Right Words.
All my best as always-
Jenny
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Saint's Heart in a Sinner's Skin
Was introduced to this singer/songwriter named Sean McConnell a while back. And, for some reason his words have been repeating themselves over and over in my head on this rainy Sunday. His lyrics, well, they are pretty right on and brilliant. I am going now to let Mr. McConnell then speak for me in this blog cause he says it perfectly when...
Woke up wasted with whiskey on my breath
I hate the taste of it, the day after regret
I got down on my knees, I said ‘God it’s me again
Don’t quit listening and don’t give up on me yet’
Yeah, I got the best of intentions, but the worst follow through
Sometimes when the night falls, it can cover up the truth
And there’s no excuse, except for everyone I made...
It goes on and on and on and on
Feel like I’m gonna break
This is me---- best of intentions but the worst follow through..... no excuses.. except for the ones I make.
I mean to do well but get all sorts of weak and mess it all up...
Have nothing really left to say except that these are the words I woke up to this morn... and they just seem to fit me. Don't intend to go on being weak. Just saying.
Just saying that's all.
My best----
Jenny
x
Woke up wasted with whiskey on my breath
I hate the taste of it, the day after regret
I got down on my knees, I said ‘God it’s me again
Don’t quit listening and don’t give up on me yet’
Yeah, I got the best of intentions, but the worst follow through
Sometimes when the night falls, it can cover up the truth
And there’s no excuse, except for everyone I made...
It goes on and on and on and on
Feel like I’m gonna break
This is me---- best of intentions but the worst follow through..... no excuses.. except for the ones I make.
I mean to do well but get all sorts of weak and mess it all up...
Have nothing really left to say except that these are the words I woke up to this morn... and they just seem to fit me. Don't intend to go on being weak. Just saying.
Just saying that's all.
My best----
Jenny
x
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Taking it out on my teeth.
This morning and last night I found myself brushing fiercely against my poor innocent teeth. Minutes may have passed before I realized what I was doing. I thought I was brushing all along you know...brushing brushing..... but somehow what I was actually doing was scrubbing, scratching? like a mad woman.
I wondered what would make me do such things.
And, well, I concluded it was probably a mixture of life's daily frustrations, perhaps minor and major decisions I have made and continue to make, but most of all I think it's this book.
Yesterday I was emailed my first layout of book for approval, and I delayed (and I mean delayed) the inevitable of having to look it through page by page, line by line, letter by letter. Why?
Easy. I am nervous. I am nervous, and I am bit more nervous. I want to make sure it looks just right and my idea "the idea" I had from long ago isn't lost at all. Does Annabelle wear the right clothes?
What exact words should I write on the dedication page? Is that face there the right face?
And, really who do you turn to? Who do you ask for an opinion when all the words and pictures were formed by you and you alone. No one else can approve or negate what you alone had in mind. So, you insanely then rely on yourself.
But, what if you got it all wrong? Worst yet- what if no one gets what you were trying to say in the first place? What if others think it silly and just plain ridiculous?
ugghh... I can torture myself to no end really.
You see then... why my poor teeth somehow pay the price for all my uneasiness, all my insecurities and all of my self-doubt.
I suppose I just have to go with my gut and hope my gut gives my teeth a break. So, on this note I'm off to ice my teeth... nah, just kidding... they have survived these last attacks. ;)
Until tomorrow then.
Much love-
Jenny
I wondered what would make me do such things.
And, well, I concluded it was probably a mixture of life's daily frustrations, perhaps minor and major decisions I have made and continue to make, but most of all I think it's this book.
Yesterday I was emailed my first layout of book for approval, and I delayed (and I mean delayed) the inevitable of having to look it through page by page, line by line, letter by letter. Why?
Easy. I am nervous. I am nervous, and I am bit more nervous. I want to make sure it looks just right and my idea "the idea" I had from long ago isn't lost at all. Does Annabelle wear the right clothes?
What exact words should I write on the dedication page? Is that face there the right face?
And, really who do you turn to? Who do you ask for an opinion when all the words and pictures were formed by you and you alone. No one else can approve or negate what you alone had in mind. So, you insanely then rely on yourself.
But, what if you got it all wrong? Worst yet- what if no one gets what you were trying to say in the first place? What if others think it silly and just plain ridiculous?
ugghh... I can torture myself to no end really.
You see then... why my poor teeth somehow pay the price for all my uneasiness, all my insecurities and all of my self-doubt.
I suppose I just have to go with my gut and hope my gut gives my teeth a break. So, on this note I'm off to ice my teeth... nah, just kidding... they have survived these last attacks. ;)
Until tomorrow then.
Much love-
Jenny
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
These days...
Here is one of my favorite entries that still applies to how I am living life these days...It seemed appropriate to share today cause today it was made official..... we celebrated my baby brother's engagement!
Feeling all sorts of blessed.
Oh...and, it comes from one of the better days (clearly not the ugly me days.) Here it is then:
These days..
I am smiling at flowers, at the sun, with my family and my friends.
I am reminiscing about my travels, about my youth, about my past.
I am waking up with ideas and more ideas and some hope.
I am being a good friend to my friends, to my family and to me.
I am writing thank you letters and birthday cards with true sentiment.
I am touching the softness of my skin, of my hair and my face and loving it.
I am laughing loudly at funny jokes and funny people, of course.
I am acting silly silly with my students and my friends.
I am admiring and enjoying those sweet innocent buds who surround me.
I am learning from others and others and others because others have so much to offer.
I am sleeping deep sleeps and having sweet dreams.
I am feeling less and less pain.
I am taking it day by day, hour by hour...maybe even second by second.
I am planning and planning and planning for my future, for your future and more.
I am thanking you and him and her and them for being here on Earth.
These days...
I am present you see.
And I guess time did tell, B.
Time did tell.
Love,
me
Feeling all sorts of blessed.
Oh...and, it comes from one of the better days (clearly not the ugly me days.) Here it is then:
These days..
I am smiling at flowers, at the sun, with my family and my friends.
I am reminiscing about my travels, about my youth, about my past.
I am waking up with ideas and more ideas and some hope.
I am being a good friend to my friends, to my family and to me.
I am writing thank you letters and birthday cards with true sentiment.
I am touching the softness of my skin, of my hair and my face and loving it.
I am laughing loudly at funny jokes and funny people, of course.
I am acting silly silly with my students and my friends.
I am admiring and enjoying those sweet innocent buds who surround me.
I am learning from others and others and others because others have so much to offer.
I am sleeping deep sleeps and having sweet dreams.
I am feeling less and less pain.
I am taking it day by day, hour by hour...maybe even second by second.
I am planning and planning and planning for my future, for your future and more.
I am thanking you and him and her and them for being here on Earth.
These days...
I am present you see.
And I guess time did tell, B.
Time did tell.
Love,
me
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
An Uninvited Guest
Here's another from those days. My entries then were whatever they wished to be and that day I must have felt like being creative so I wrote this short short story.... and it's not that good, but it can turn into something better perhaps one day.
I'm thinking Anna must have turned into my Annabelle when I was feeling more optimistic...who knows. All I know is that my brain was working in creative (sometimes dark and scary-purely pessimistic) ways.
Please remember it was a first so please kind ... I know it is very rough very rough around the edges. There are a lot of kinks to sort out before it could ever become a final draft....nevertheless, here it is in its first stage glory! ;) x
An Uninvited Guest (the rough version)
At 38, Anna thought she would be situated –happily situated. She remembered playing the game of
M A S H as a hopeful teenager, and it telling her so. Telling her that yes her life would certainly be set by 38. Her smile faded as she recalled how easily she made those choices of man, age, children and home. It was all very simple, and it seemed pathetically funny to her how she almost made it. She thought this game if she believed in it enough would be true, could be true.
But there she was she realized – at 38- unhappy, unfulfilled, not in love ....yet married. She always seemed to be looking in the mirror with closed eyes. When she allowed herself to remember, desperation was evident in every place she looked. All her choices had been made as quickly and as easily as she had done when she was younger. How could she have thought it could all be that simple?
This was a familiar scene for Anna. This scene took place often it seemed to her. When she could not find happiness in her home, when she could not find happiness in her pictures, when she could not find happiness in the stuff she collected, she found herself realizing. Most of the time though these moments did nothing to her arrangement. Perhaps tears came or some words were written, but she would always end up in bed next to him, pretending the tears were from silly thoughts.
This time though something seemed very different to her. There came a distinct pain with these thoughts and no matter what she did, what she bought, where she went... her old companion followed closely behind. The images in her mind were raw and too hard to ignore. What had changed she wondered? She had been married for nine years- unhappy for five- in some state for four. So what could be different now? What was it about now she asked and asked that made it all too much?
January became February and still she was awake and more aware of this uninvited companion who insisted on not going away. What she was tagging along was not going to pass it seemed. It was becoming clear to her that this dear "friend" wouldn't let her go.
For five years, her old, dear friend, fear, had held her captive and now it seemed something, someone else had taken its place.
She didn't know what to call this new companion. She didn't even invite it to come along. She had no idea where it came from and what to do with it. She only knew it wouldn't go away.
March came and she woke up to realize her constant friend, fear, had been completely replaced. It was somehow gone. It seemed to her it had been gone for a while now. She looked in the mirror with opened eyes. Someone new was looking back, standing there. She seemed to want to recognize this new friend now. She seemed to want to invite it in now.
Courage was its name, and she knew at once and immediately what it told her to do.
I'm thinking Anna must have turned into my Annabelle when I was feeling more optimistic...who knows. All I know is that my brain was working in creative (sometimes dark and scary-purely pessimistic) ways.
Please remember it was a first so please kind ... I know it is very rough very rough around the edges. There are a lot of kinks to sort out before it could ever become a final draft....nevertheless, here it is in its first stage glory! ;) x
An Uninvited Guest (the rough version)
At 38, Anna thought she would be situated –happily situated. She remembered playing the game of
M A S H as a hopeful teenager, and it telling her so. Telling her that yes her life would certainly be set by 38. Her smile faded as she recalled how easily she made those choices of man, age, children and home. It was all very simple, and it seemed pathetically funny to her how she almost made it. She thought this game if she believed in it enough would be true, could be true.
But there she was she realized – at 38- unhappy, unfulfilled, not in love ....yet married. She always seemed to be looking in the mirror with closed eyes. When she allowed herself to remember, desperation was evident in every place she looked. All her choices had been made as quickly and as easily as she had done when she was younger. How could she have thought it could all be that simple?
This was a familiar scene for Anna. This scene took place often it seemed to her. When she could not find happiness in her home, when she could not find happiness in her pictures, when she could not find happiness in the stuff she collected, she found herself realizing. Most of the time though these moments did nothing to her arrangement. Perhaps tears came or some words were written, but she would always end up in bed next to him, pretending the tears were from silly thoughts.
This time though something seemed very different to her. There came a distinct pain with these thoughts and no matter what she did, what she bought, where she went... her old companion followed closely behind. The images in her mind were raw and too hard to ignore. What had changed she wondered? She had been married for nine years- unhappy for five- in some state for four. So what could be different now? What was it about now she asked and asked that made it all too much?
January became February and still she was awake and more aware of this uninvited companion who insisted on not going away. What she was tagging along was not going to pass it seemed. It was becoming clear to her that this dear "friend" wouldn't let her go.
For five years, her old, dear friend, fear, had held her captive and now it seemed something, someone else had taken its place.
She didn't know what to call this new companion. She didn't even invite it to come along. She had no idea where it came from and what to do with it. She only knew it wouldn't go away.
March came and she woke up to realize her constant friend, fear, had been completely replaced. It was somehow gone. It seemed to her it had been gone for a while now. She looked in the mirror with opened eyes. Someone new was looking back, standing there. She seemed to want to recognize this new friend now. She seemed to want to invite it in now.
Courage was its name, and she knew at once and immediately what it told her to do.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
This one is dedicated to the babies.
I've been figuring out a way to not feel so oddman out with my friends and acquaintances these days, for everywhere I look new adorable, breathtaking babies are being born....
leaving me out here wondering... of course,
What is wrong with me?
Countless conversations take place... when are you going to have a baby? How old are you? Don't you want them? You will regret it when you are 45 (actual quote from yesterday).
On and on...
I used to feel a bit bad... used to feel a bit bothered.
But, now I think let me celebrate these beautiful babies.
So, this is for my many friends and friends of friends who have had babies recently or long ago. I am with you on the baby wagon...just in a slightly different fashion.
Your baby is...
soft and
cuddly
and smells like.. well, baby.
Your baby has...
your eyes,
or your smile
maybe your hair.
Your baby makes
you beyond happy
and feel beyond proud,
perhaps a bit crazed at times, too.
Your baby will say
mama
and dada
and no
and booboo
in the cutest of ways
(I have seen it, I know)
Your baby will grow
very
quickly (too quickly almost)
and will amaze you
along the way
of this I am sure.
Your baby is
your everything
your sunrise
and sunset.
Your baby is this and
probably
probably
most likely
way more.
My baby is...
hard,
edged
and smells like
paper.
My baby has...
my thoughts,
my ideas,
my words.
My baby makes
me beyond happy
and feel beyond proud,
perhaps a bit crazed at times, too.
My baby will say
lots of
stuff
that your babies say.
My baby will
change
and change again
and hopefully grow
big
and be successful.
My baby
for now
is my everything
my sunrise
and sunset.
Here's the thing though- the bottomline-- the idea that triggered it all
and allowed me to feel okay...
Your babies and your hopes and dreams for them is what created my baby.
My baby came from your babies, and
for this I thank you, friends.
You know who you are .... and I am with you all the way. I may not look like you (with the bellies and such), but I love, support and celebrate you. x
My best
J
leaving me out here wondering... of course,
What is wrong with me?
Countless conversations take place... when are you going to have a baby? How old are you? Don't you want them? You will regret it when you are 45 (actual quote from yesterday).
On and on...
I used to feel a bit bad... used to feel a bit bothered.
But, now I think let me celebrate these beautiful babies.
So, this is for my many friends and friends of friends who have had babies recently or long ago. I am with you on the baby wagon...just in a slightly different fashion.
Your baby is...
soft and
cuddly
and smells like.. well, baby.
Your baby has...
your eyes,
or your smile
maybe your hair.
Your baby makes
you beyond happy
and feel beyond proud,
perhaps a bit crazed at times, too.
Your baby will say
mama
and dada
and no
and booboo
in the cutest of ways
(I have seen it, I know)
Your baby will grow
very
quickly (too quickly almost)
and will amaze you
along the way
of this I am sure.
Your baby is
your everything
your sunrise
and sunset.
Your baby is this and
probably
probably
most likely
way more.
My baby is...
hard,
edged
and smells like
paper.
My baby has...
my thoughts,
my ideas,
my words.
My baby makes
me beyond happy
and feel beyond proud,
perhaps a bit crazed at times, too.
My baby will say
lots of
stuff
that your babies say.
My baby will
change
and change again
and hopefully grow
big
and be successful.
My baby
for now
is my everything
my sunrise
and sunset.
Here's the thing though- the bottomline-- the idea that triggered it all
and allowed me to feel okay...
Your babies and your hopes and dreams for them is what created my baby.
My baby came from your babies, and
for this I thank you, friends.
You know who you are .... and I am with you all the way. I may not look like you (with the bellies and such), but I love, support and celebrate you. x
My best
J
Saturday, August 7, 2010
The day my Annabelle came to life.
Here is a personal entry from long ago (near the February ugly days in fact) I discovered. It explains how Annabelle, the little girl from my book, came to me...came to be.
Ideas that come in my sleep like Annabelle's Love
are endless and endless.
But somehow each night, I get more and more peace. This has to mean I am in bit of a better place. I still wake up at random times now, but I can easily fall back asleep.
Anyway, last night as I registered the events that had taken place this day, I had this idea.
You see, I feel I am in this predicament because I have never loved myself first... I have never truly known my self-worth. I apparently have a very low opinion of myself. This is evident by the choices I have made and continue to make in life. This is the reason why I sit here at 35 seeking "something" in all sorts of places....to help me seek happiness.
I wondered how this has happened to me. I mean where did my self-esteem go? When did I miss the lesson on my self-worth?
I suppose I never had it from the start and I have this idea as to why.
Here it goes----
In order to believe in yourself, you must see that the women around you do as well-- that the women around you love themselves first- that the women around you know their worth.
I can honestly say that I have never had this woman around me--not as a young girl, not as a young teen- not then- not now .... At all.
So I'm thinking... many of me exist in this world. I know they do. I have met them, I share coffee with them, I see them in pathetic situations-in awful relationships. I have seen them forgive and accept things that are unforgivable. I know these MEs in this world.
We are so many.
So I had this idea. And I put it down on paper. And this morning I typed it up in second draft. And then I submitted this draft to this company. And now I am looking for an artist to collaborate with. And now I share this with you all....it is a rough copy and it is intended for those who still have time to change. Who still have time to know their self-worth and put themselves first before anyone else. It is intended for young girls who may not have MEs in their world-- who I hope do NOT have MEs in their world.
Ideas that come in my sleep like Annabelle's Love
are endless and endless.
But somehow each night, I get more and more peace. This has to mean I am in bit of a better place. I still wake up at random times now, but I can easily fall back asleep.
Anyway, last night as I registered the events that had taken place this day, I had this idea.
You see, I feel I am in this predicament because I have never loved myself first... I have never truly known my self-worth. I apparently have a very low opinion of myself. This is evident by the choices I have made and continue to make in life. This is the reason why I sit here at 35 seeking "something" in all sorts of places....to help me seek happiness.
I wondered how this has happened to me. I mean where did my self-esteem go? When did I miss the lesson on my self-worth?
I suppose I never had it from the start and I have this idea as to why.
Here it goes----
In order to believe in yourself, you must see that the women around you do as well-- that the women around you love themselves first- that the women around you know their worth.
I can honestly say that I have never had this woman around me--not as a young girl, not as a young teen- not then- not now .... At all.
So I'm thinking... many of me exist in this world. I know they do. I have met them, I share coffee with them, I see them in pathetic situations-in awful relationships. I have seen them forgive and accept things that are unforgivable. I know these MEs in this world.
We are so many.
So I had this idea. And I put it down on paper. And this morning I typed it up in second draft. And then I submitted this draft to this company. And now I am looking for an artist to collaborate with. And now I share this with you all....it is a rough copy and it is intended for those who still have time to change. Who still have time to know their self-worth and put themselves first before anyone else. It is intended for young girls who may not have MEs in their world-- who I hope do NOT have MEs in their world.
Friday, August 6, 2010
My point...
It all started with a bit of a meltdown.
The year 2010 started off a bit hopeful, and then it crashed just around February's time. Crashed as in I couldnt' seem to function properly and parts of my life I had longed ignored, I couldn't seem to ignore at all.
I have good friends and a good family so I reached out to them in some ways...however, all their words numbed the sadness for a bit but didn't cure it.
Without sounding melodramatic (because I do realize there are many more people suffering worse circumstances), I found myself looking for some way to release it all. Here's what I did to cope through it all...I wrote. I journaled.
These entries contained everything... words, lists, scribbles, phrases, poems, paragraphs....stories.
And, after the words were out, I felt the tears had subsided, and I could properly focus on my life for a bit until a new bout of melancholy set in.
It was during this exact time (this mixture of rejection and relief) that I began to feel best when the words were out.
I wrote then because it felt good, because it felt good and because it felt good.
And, I acknowledged afterwards that I had always wanted to but had never taken the time.
I submitted a piece to a contest (haven't heard a thing just yet). I applied for some freelance work. Found success there and found some more rejection there as well.
In the midst of it all, I wrote a short little story about a little girl who I wished I could be (who maybe I can be someday) and now in about a month it will be published. An idea that both thrills me but scares the heck out of me! (the rejection/failure thing, you know)
I did all of this since the meltdown and now I see it had to be this way. I had to fall way way down low so I could find my way up by myself and be able to see things clearly- no longer with forced ignorant eyes.
I know this one thing for sure----I am not completely myself yet... I am certainly not where I want to be at the moment, but I do love the way I feel when I hit the publish button.
So, this here is the point, the objective of this blog of mine. I have decided to be in search of the right words so that I can become that little girl. This little girl who started it all -the good part of it all ...and who was formed with my words.
Join me as I try, would you?
All my best then...
x
p.s. Here's the place where I have been hitting the publish button that makes me feel so much better each time...
Newark Life in Photos Examiner
Newark Marriage Examiner
The year 2010 started off a bit hopeful, and then it crashed just around February's time. Crashed as in I couldnt' seem to function properly and parts of my life I had longed ignored, I couldn't seem to ignore at all.
I have good friends and a good family so I reached out to them in some ways...however, all their words numbed the sadness for a bit but didn't cure it.
Without sounding melodramatic (because I do realize there are many more people suffering worse circumstances), I found myself looking for some way to release it all. Here's what I did to cope through it all...I wrote. I journaled.
These entries contained everything... words, lists, scribbles, phrases, poems, paragraphs....stories.
And, after the words were out, I felt the tears had subsided, and I could properly focus on my life for a bit until a new bout of melancholy set in.
It was during this exact time (this mixture of rejection and relief) that I began to feel best when the words were out.
I wrote then because it felt good, because it felt good and because it felt good.
And, I acknowledged afterwards that I had always wanted to but had never taken the time.
I submitted a piece to a contest (haven't heard a thing just yet). I applied for some freelance work. Found success there and found some more rejection there as well.
In the midst of it all, I wrote a short little story about a little girl who I wished I could be (who maybe I can be someday) and now in about a month it will be published. An idea that both thrills me but scares the heck out of me! (the rejection/failure thing, you know)
I did all of this since the meltdown and now I see it had to be this way. I had to fall way way down low so I could find my way up by myself and be able to see things clearly- no longer with forced ignorant eyes.
I know this one thing for sure----I am not completely myself yet... I am certainly not where I want to be at the moment, but I do love the way I feel when I hit the publish button.
So, this here is the point, the objective of this blog of mine. I have decided to be in search of the right words so that I can become that little girl. This little girl who started it all -the good part of it all ...and who was formed with my words.
Join me as I try, would you?
All my best then...
x
p.s. Here's the place where I have been hitting the publish button that makes me feel so much better each time...
Newark Life in Photos Examiner
Newark Marriage Examiner
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