This Love Has Got No Ceiling

This morning was my last morning in Avon, Colorado. As I looked out at the green, green mountains, I couldn't find the right words to complete this ...At that very exact moment, when I had nothing... this song came on... So, in the words of Eddie Vedder, I complete this blog, for he completed and filled in my blanks perfectly.

Comes the morning when I can feel
that there is nothing left to be concealed
moving on ....seems surreal
no, my heart will never
never be far from here



Sure as I'm breathing...Sure as I am sad
I'll keep this wisdom in my flesh
I leave here believing more than I have
and there is a reason I'll be... a reason I'll be back


As I walk the hemisphere, I got my wish to up and disappear
I've been wounded
I've been healed
now for landing I've been....for  landing I've been cleared


Sure as I'm breathing... Sure as I'm sad
I'll keep this wisdom in my flesh
I leave here believing more than I have


This Love Has Got No Ceiling

Take a look at the Love I had in mind...this is the reason I'll be back. I leave here believing more than I have.

Love,
me, Jenny

Things that make me queasy

Bad dreams.

Unexpected phone calls.

Long forms to complete.

Annabelle's smile on the last page.

Annabelle's shoes----would I have my own daughter in these shoes?

Cold calling.

These are the things that have occurred already this morning.

And they make me queasy- by definition, nauseated, filling ill in the stomach.

I had a bad dream involving all sorts of past demons...
 I was on a trip with my family and some other people I do not care to mention
and these people kept changing (one person came in replaced by another)
and no one seemed to care
about the fact that this trip
was set to promote this book, my book, my baby,

because in this dream only two books were published
and I had lost my publisher somehow.

I suppose I was looking for my publisher and
fighting off these
people/past demons?


Woke up to an unexpected phone call

 and then later realized I have a long form
to complete regarding front and back cover
and it involves me cold calling local
newpapers or book stores
to promote said book.

All of this in the midst of my trip
( Colorado trance
completely
dismissed by queasy things)

So, on this note... I'm off to tackle the Colorado River because
today we are rafting.

Suddenly, I am feeling ill in the stomach all over again-
queasy.

Love nonetheless,
Jenny
x

In a Colorado Trance

In short, I've been in a (as per dictionary) hypnotic, cataleptic, and/or ecstatic state.

I'm thinking it may be the elevation, maybe the fresh air???
 or the kind, most-patient locals, but most of all
I think
 it's just the grand beauty that I wake up to everyday so far.

It is lovely here.
And the people are super sweet; they seem truly sincere in fact.
And I'm just well,
taken
by it all.

I call it ...
 in a Colorado trance.
I wonder if this happens to all who visit.

Nevertheless...

This morning I wake up and realize I haven't heard from the editor and/or illustrator
and today is Kiss and Make Up Day so I should probably (being the Marriage Examiner and all ;) write an article about it somehow
and my book is being sent to the Beijing Book Fair and I haven't heard from them
either

sooooo I suppose the trance has come and gone.
But, I hope not because I prefer
smiling
over
frowning
or stressing
much much more.

So, I'm here then to send the appropriate emails to the appropriate people
and to submit this here blog
and then I'm off to

purposely place myself
back again
in this
trance.

In my short-lived Colorado Trance.

All my love,
Jenny
x

Leaving New Jersey behind.

So this evening I find myself in Avon, Colorado, and I've brought the laptop in case

I hear from the editor
I hear from the Newark Examiner
I get an idea I want to write about
I find a split second to work on my last Master's class of the summer
I need to email a friend
I need to need to check twitter or facebook

And all I'm thinking is what is wrong with me?

I am in beautiful, amazing-so-far Colorado where I all want to do is take a picture of this
and that
and somehow none of these pictures do this state justice because what I'm finding
is
I should've left this laptop at home
along with the concern about hearing from
the editor
the Newark Examiner
a friend
or other

along with the need to write in case I get an idea or
to work on my master's class cause that is just plain crazy

You see what I need to do during my stay is
seriously
seriously
seriously
leave New Jersey behind.

hmmmm...food for thought.
Let's see how well I can do that then.

All my love,
Jenny

do you see what I mean?

Some Words. Some Pennies. And Some Changes.

This is it. This is how my morning has turned out so far.

Some words.
 I have written some words on two different topics this week and received some sweet recognition from friends, family and even some strangers.

Some pennies.
These words have helped me to earn some serious money.
In fact, yesterday alone I earned
(wait, I'm checking my records to be correct) $2. 22!

I know! I know! Insane amounts of money.

Some changes.
This morning I received the SECOND layout of my book to be approved.
I'm happy with some of the changes.
And frustrated with the lack of others.
Either way I expressed my concerns with bold print in some areas again.

What's left?

Well, here is what's left.

These some words have blessed me with some pennies.
Pennies I am proud of to be honest because I know for the second time in my life (first time being when I walked into the classroom as a teacher/not a student)
 that I am doing something I have found to love e n t i r e l y----write.

And, what I need to remember time and time again is that writing..... will always involve
Some changes.

So, there. That's it. My thoughts for today in my Search for the Right Words.

All my best as always-
Jenny

Saint's Heart in a Sinner's Skin

Was introduced to this singer/songwriter named Sean McConnell a while back. And, for some reason his words have been repeating themselves over and over in my head on this rainy Sunday.  His lyrics, well, they are pretty right on and brilliant. I am going now to let Mr. McConnell then speak for me in this blog cause he says it perfectly when...

Woke up wasted with whiskey on my breath
I hate the taste of it, the day after regret
I got down on my knees, I said ‘God it’s me again
Don’t quit listening and don’t give up on me yet’


Yeah, I got the best of intentions, but the worst follow through
Sometimes when the night falls, it can cover up the truth
And there’s no excuse, except for everyone I made...
It goes on and on and on and on
Feel like I’m gonna break

This is me---- best of intentions but the worst follow through..... no excuses.. except for the ones I make.
I mean to do well but get all sorts of weak and mess it all up...

Have nothing really left to say except that these are the words I woke up to this morn... and they just seem to fit me. Don't intend to go on being weak. Just saying.

Just saying that's all.

My best----

Jenny
x

Taking it out on my teeth.

This morning and last night I found myself brushing fiercely against my poor innocent teeth. Minutes may have passed before I realized what I was doing. I thought I was brushing all along you know...brushing brushing..... but somehow what I was actually doing was scrubbing, scratching? like a mad woman.

I wondered what would make me do such things.

And, well, I concluded it was probably a mixture of life's daily frustrations, perhaps minor and major decisions I have made and continue to make, but most of all I think it's this book.

Yesterday I was emailed my first layout of book for approval, and I delayed (and I mean delayed) the inevitable of having to look it through page by page, line by line, letter by letter. Why?

Easy. I am nervous. I am nervous, and I am bit more nervous. I want to make sure it looks just right and my idea "the idea" I had from long ago isn't lost at all. Does Annabelle wear the right clothes?
What exact words should I write on the dedication page? Is that face there the right face?

And, really who do you turn to? Who do you ask for an opinion when all the words and pictures were formed by you  and you alone. No one else can approve or negate what you alone had in mind. So, you insanely then rely on yourself.

But, what if you got it all wrong? Worst yet- what if no one gets what you were trying to say in the first place? What if others think it silly and just plain ridiculous?

ugghh... I can torture myself to no end really.

You see then... why my poor teeth somehow pay the price for all my uneasiness, all my insecurities and all of my self-doubt.

I suppose I just have to go with my gut and hope my gut gives my teeth a break.  So, on this note I'm off to ice my teeth... nah, just kidding... they have survived these last attacks. ;)

Until tomorrow then.

Much love-
Jenny

These days...

Here is one of my favorite entries that still applies to how I am living life these days...It seemed appropriate to share today cause today it was made official..... we celebrated my baby brother's engagement!
 Feeling all sorts of blessed.

Oh...and, it comes from one of the better days (clearly not the ugly me days.) Here it is then:

These days..



I am smiling at flowers, at the sun, with my family and my friends.

I am reminiscing about my travels, about my youth, about my past.


I am waking up with ideas and more ideas and some hope.


I am being a good friend to my friends, to my family and to me.


I am writing thank you letters and birthday cards with true sentiment.


I am touching the softness of my skin, of my hair and my face and loving it.


I am laughing loudly at funny jokes and funny people, of course.


I am acting silly silly with my students and my friends.


I am admiring and enjoying those sweet innocent buds who surround me.


I am learning from others and others and others because others have so much to offer.


I am sleeping deep sleeps and having sweet dreams.


I am feeling less and less pain.


I am taking it day by day, hour by hour...maybe even second by second.

I am planning and planning and planning for my future, for your future and more.

I am thanking you and him and her and them for being here on Earth.


These days...


I am present you see.
And I guess time did tell, B.

Time did tell.






Love,


me

An Uninvited Guest

Here's another from those days. My entries then were whatever they wished to be and that day I must have felt like being creative so I wrote this short short story.... and it's not that good, but it can turn into something better perhaps one day.

I'm thinking Anna must have turned into my Annabelle when I was feeling more optimistic...who knows. All I know is that my brain was working in creative (sometimes dark and scary-purely pessimistic) ways.

Please remember it was a first so please kind ... I know it is very rough very rough around the edges. There are a lot of kinks to sort out before it could ever become a final draft....nevertheless, here it is in its first stage glory! ;) x

An Uninvited Guest (the rough version)



At 38, Anna thought she would be situated –happily situated. She remembered playing the game of
 M A S H as a hopeful teenager, and it telling her so. Telling her that yes her life would certainly be set by 38. Her smile faded as she recalled how easily she made those choices of man, age, children and home. It was all very simple, and it seemed pathetically funny to her how she almost made it. She thought this game if she believed in it enough would be true, could be true.


But there she was she realized – at 38- unhappy, unfulfilled, not in love ....yet married. She always seemed to be looking in the mirror with closed eyes. When she allowed herself to remember, desperation was evident in every place she looked. All her choices had been made as quickly and as easily as she had done when she was younger. How could she have thought it could all be that simple?


This was a familiar scene for Anna. This scene took place often it seemed to her. When she could not find happiness in her home, when she could not find happiness in her pictures, when she could not find happiness in the stuff she collected, she found herself realizing. Most of the time though these moments did nothing to her arrangement. Perhaps tears came or some words were written, but she would always end up in bed next to him, pretending the tears were from silly thoughts.


This time though something seemed very different to her. There came a distinct pain with these thoughts and no matter what she did, what she bought, where she went... her old companion followed closely behind. The images in her mind were raw and too hard to ignore. What had changed she wondered? She had been married for nine years- unhappy for five- in some state for four. So what could be different now? What was it about now she asked and asked that made it all too much?


January became February and still she was awake and more aware of this uninvited companion who insisted on not going away. What she was tagging along was not going to pass it seemed. It was becoming clear to her that this dear "friend" wouldn't let her go.

For five years, her old, dear friend, fear, had held her captive and now it seemed something, someone else had taken its place.


She didn't know what to call this new companion. She didn't even invite it to come along. She had no idea where it came from and what to do with it. She only knew it wouldn't go away.

March came and she woke up to realize her constant friend, fear, had been completely replaced. It was somehow gone. It seemed to her it had been gone for a while now. She looked in the mirror with opened eyes. Someone new was looking back, standing there. She seemed to want to recognize this new friend now. She seemed to want to invite it in now.

 Courage was its name, and she knew at once and immediately what it told her to do.

This one is dedicated to the babies.

I've been figuring out a way to not feel so oddman out with my friends and acquaintances these days, for everywhere I look new adorable, breathtaking babies are being born....
 leaving me out here wondering... of course,

What is wrong with me?

Countless conversations take place... when are you going to have a baby? How old are you? Don't you want them? You will regret it when you are 45 (actual quote from yesterday).

On and on...

I used to feel a bit bad... used to feel a bit bothered.

But, now I think let me celebrate these beautiful babies.

So, this is for my many friends and friends of friends who have had babies recently or long ago. I am with you on the baby wagon...just in a slightly different fashion.

Your baby is...

soft and
cuddly
and smells like.. well, baby.

Your baby  has...
your eyes,
or your smile
maybe your hair.

Your baby makes
you beyond happy
and feel beyond proud,
perhaps a bit crazed at times, too.

Your baby will say
mama
and dada
and no
and booboo
in the cutest of ways
(I have seen it, I know)

Your baby will grow
very
quickly (too quickly almost)
and will amaze you
along the way
of this I am sure.

Your baby is
your everything
your sunrise
and sunset.

Your baby is this and
probably
probably
most likely
way more.

My baby is...

hard,
edged
and smells like
paper.

My baby has...
my thoughts,
my ideas,
my words.

My baby makes

me beyond happy
and feel beyond proud,
perhaps a bit crazed at times, too.

My baby will say
lots of
stuff
that your babies say.

My baby will
change
and change again
and hopefully grow
big
and be successful.

My baby
for now
is my everything
my sunrise
and sunset.

Here's the thing though- the bottomline-- the idea that triggered it all
and allowed me to feel okay...

Your babies and your hopes and dreams for them is what created my baby.

My baby came from your babies, and
for this I thank you, friends.

You know who you are .... and I am with you all the way. I may not look like you (with the bellies and such), but I love, support and celebrate you. x
My best
J

 

The day my Annabelle came to life.

Here is a personal entry from long ago (near the February ugly days in fact) I discovered. It explains how Annabelle, the little girl from my book, came to me...came to be.

Ideas that come in my sleep like Annabelle's Love



are endless and endless.

But somehow each night, I get more and more peace. This has to mean I am in bit of a better place. I still wake up at random times now, but I can easily fall back asleep.

Anyway, last night as I registered the events that had taken place this day, I had this idea.


You see, I feel I am in this predicament because I have never loved myself first... I have never truly known my self-worth. I apparently have a very low opinion of myself. This is evident by the choices I have made and continue to make in life. This is the reason why I sit here at 35 seeking "something" in all sorts of places....to help me seek happiness.

I wondered how this has happened to me. I mean where did my self-esteem go? When did I miss the lesson on my self-worth?


I suppose I never had it from the start and I have this idea as to why.


Here it goes----


In order to believe in yourself, you must see that the women around you do as well-- that the women around you love themselves first- that the women around you know their worth.


I can honestly say that I have never had this woman around me--not as a young girl, not as a young teen- not then- not now .... At all.


So I'm thinking... many of me exist in this world. I know they do. I have met them, I share coffee with them, I see them in pathetic situations-in awful relationships. I have seen them forgive and accept things that are unforgivable. I know these MEs in this world.


We are so many.


So I had this idea. And I put it down on paper. And this morning I typed it up in second draft. And then I submitted this draft to this company. And now I am looking for an artist to collaborate with. And now I share this with you all....it is a rough copy and it is intended for those who still have time to change. Who still have time to know their self-worth and put themselves first before anyone else. It is intended for young girls who may not have MEs in their world-- who I hope do NOT have MEs in their world.

My point...

It all started with a bit of a meltdown.

The year 2010 started off a bit hopeful, and then it crashed just around February's time. Crashed as in I couldnt' seem to function properly and parts of my life I had longed ignored, I couldn't seem to ignore at all.

I have good friends and a good family so I reached out to them in some ways...however, all their words numbed the sadness for a bit but didn't cure it.

Without sounding melodramatic (because I do realize there are many more people suffering worse circumstances), I found myself looking for some way to release it all. Here's what I did to cope through it all...I wrote. I journaled.

These entries contained everything... words, lists, scribbles, phrases, poems, paragraphs....stories.

And, after the words were out, I felt the tears had subsided, and I could properly focus on my life for a bit until a new bout of melancholy set in.

It was during this exact time (this mixture of rejection and relief) that I began to feel best when the words were out.

I wrote then because it felt good, because it felt good and because it felt good.

 And, I acknowledged afterwards that I had always wanted to but had never taken the time.

I submitted a piece to a contest (haven't heard a thing just yet). I applied for some freelance work. Found success there and found some more rejection there as well.

In the midst of it all, I wrote a short little story about a little girl who I wished I could be (who maybe I can be someday) and now in about a month it will be published. An idea that both thrills me but scares the heck out of me! (the rejection/failure thing, you know)

I did all of this since the meltdown and now I see it had to be this way. I had to fall way way down low so I could find my way up by myself and be able to see things clearly- no longer with forced ignorant eyes.

I know this one thing for sure----I am not completely myself yet... I am certainly not where I want to be at the moment, but I do love the way I feel when I hit the publish button.

So, this here is the point, the objective of this blog of mine. I have decided to be in search of the right words so that I can become that little girl. This little girl who started it all -the good part of it all ...and who was formed with my words.

Join me as I try, would you?

All my best then...
x

p.s. Here's the place where I have been hitting the publish button that makes me feel so much better each time...


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