Recently, something has come back. It has joined me again and now presently swarms throughout my mind day and night, day and night.
Captain What If is single, determined and wretched. It weighs heavy on my heart, and its answer never reveals itself. It just continues on its miserable journey and pops us unexpectedly. It's all so familiar.
And, by now I should know it always comes back no matter what walls I put up. It crushes them to pieces and renders them worthless.
Laughs at the rubbles.
My what if longs to be "on top of the world" again -always has wanted this- but for now it feels most comfortable in its wretchedness, doubt and worry.
And, thank goodness for the work that keeps me busy day and night. Thank goodness for the hope I have for this Annabelle. Thank goodness for crazy families and steadfast friends. These keep, for moments at a time, ...these keep Captain What If at bay ...at arm's length. For moments, I'm free.
But, don't worry my what if, I have pledged myself to you. You will never leave my side and I yours...until perhaps the day (one could hope) we are both "on top of the world."
Until then, we are joined on this search
and journey.
x
No comments:
Post a Comment