Righting the Wrong

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and wonder if I can ever right what I have done wrong.
 Last night was one of those nights.

I sat with eyes wide open in the dark and wondered about the friends I once had who I hurt and disappointed. I wonder how they are and what if? I get angry, I get sad, I get self-righteous but mostly I get so regretful.

You see, the sad thing about life is you can never ever go back and change the actions you have made, the words you have said, the decisions, the looks, the everything. None of it. Can't change a thing.

So how does one move on? How can I move on?

I try. And I try. But I wake up sometimes in the middle of the night and wonder...

I am the one I cannot escape. I am the one who can never right the wrong it seems. I am the one who will judge myself the most and the hardest. Why?

Because deep down inside,  I knew what I should have done. I knew what I should not have done. I have always known the difference between right and wrong and yet... I did nothing about it. I continued on my merry way... ignoring my gut and running - just running far far away from me. Mirrors... forget about it... they were hard to look at.... very hard.

It has been a long time since I felt out of my skin but time has not yet allowed me to move on or forget.

So the question remains... is it possible to right the wrong? I suppose in some ways it is... I picture scenes of forgiveness and I know now my heart is in the right place, doing the right things, sending the best love to all those who I have disappointed. It is not always easy but it is worthwhile. Best part of it all is I am  able to look directly at the mirror and like who I see, respect who I see, admire who I see.  I am standing still and no longer running. I feel good in my skin even.

BUT...
I am sure there will be many more nights of me waking up in this fashion because clearly I can't seem to easily forgive myself... especially now---- I am surrounded by the most amazing family members and friends, by the most amazing blessings...this book, these opportunities and more. So sometimes I don't feel worthy of it all... which is why I will forever be trying to Right the Wrong.

Today signed-
regretful but trying,
me
Jenny R.
xxx