Two full-time jobs and a view from my chair.

From my chair today I watched as leaf after leaf, after colorful leaf fell to the ground... I heard cars whiz on by on the way to who knows where... It has been a beautiful Fall day.

Lucky me who gets to enjoy it.
From my chair.

Why? Well, now I have come to the realization that I have two full-time jobs, and both require my full attention at all times. Hence, the title "full-time"...
What this has come to mean suddenly is...

that this Fall I get to gather information about marketing this book instead of apples.
This Fall I get to go people picking on who can sell my book instead of pumpkin picking.
This Fall I get to carve into my work of grading and "amazoning" instead of said pumpkins.
This Fall I get to hike over to the library or book store in search of a book signing instead of through the woods in search of fresh air.
This Fall I get to enjoy warm apple ciders only from memory because every second counts next to this computer screen and not even one can be lost once I am immersed in this work.
This Fall the only mask I will wear is one of face-cleansing because stress has turned my face into a battlefield of sorts.
This Fall... I can go on, but I won't.

 I'm not truly complaining..not truly... okay, maybe just a little but that's only because I do miss the freedom that comes with having nothing to do but enjoy apples, and cider, and books, and naps, and pumpkin picking and my family....

So, instead of complaining then, I shall instead focus on how lucky I am that today I accomplished so much and will accomplish more... all as I watched leaf after colorful leaf fall slowly to the ground. At least this much I can do to enjoy me some Fall.

All my love,
Jenny
x

A Lovely Blessed Wednesday

It all started with 12 book signings or maybe it started before that but let me just say it started to dawn on me when I actually sat down, looked at these 12 books purchased by some supportive coworkers and signed... They asked me to sign this book ...my book and they wanted my name...my signature and well, I guess it all of  a sudden hit me....like some delayed bolt of lightning...

I can't put into words what it means to look at these multiple copies of my book ...I suppose looking at my single proof copy didn't make it feel real enough for me yet... whatever words I find for this feeling...Well, I don't believe they will perfectly describe all the emotions I felt at once.

Let me try two then: Immense Fulfillment.

Next, came an email....a long-awaited email...it didn't say much, but it said enough to add just another smile. Needed this one a whole bunch. x

When I arrived home, I was introduced to a video interview of myself while in Germany for the book fair. And, if the look on my face doesn't express it all, I don't know what else could. The ready-to-burst- from-pure- excitement- and- nerves look was evident... clearly evident.

But, you know what, it was perfect ...in my opinion, it was perfect because it was me...just me. Same me, Same Jenny..down to the core...all fumbled and messy and a bit scattered when nervous.

A little bit later...I hopped on to Amazon to see if the cover of my book was added yet, and it wasn't but I didn't care because the book had received its very first review!! Five star review nonetheless! Well, what can I say to this sweet Florence Green but thank you!! And, true to form, I did----- immediately! I commented on her comment because I was grateful she not only liked the book but shared the message...

In the midst of all of these smiles and smirks and internal screams.... I received an email from a former student from two years ago. (This year there seems to be many of these..must have been doing something right...) She said she missed me at her new school, she said "you prepared us for 7th grade so much.." and really that is all she needed to say because then I knew ... at least for one student, I did my job, and I did it well.

So, can you see now why in the middle of the week I find myself feeling all sorts of lucky and blessed? I've somehow managed to love what I do and somehow these two loves have managed to reward me so nicely...no..... so amazingly... yes, yes... amazingly is the better word here.

And, I won't sign off until I add this one last thought... Part of this experience has been made even better by all of you out there who send me comments, and "like" my posts, who text me some sweet stuff or pass on and share my ideas... I couldn't do any of this without all of you....Any of it. You know who you are...and I am forever grateful to you----each and every single one of you.


So..... now I can close and say (Dave W) I'm sorry if I sound all mushy and mushy...
It's because I am ...this is me...all grateful, happy, mushy and blessed.... so deal with it and keep me laughing cause I need the laughs... ;)

All sincere about all of this...,

Me,
Jenny
x
Here are the links to said video and review...:)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bum1ubVR7CI&feature=mfu_in_order&playnext=1&videos=SWDMXIiTl1A

http://www.amazon.com/Annabelles-Love-Jenny-Ramirez-Hart/product-reviews/160976515X/ref=dp_top_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1

Reaching for Annabelle

So.... my book is finally out and all should be just pure bliss, right? All should be all smiles and smiles. All should be like eyes up to the sky ....all like this and more....

but somehow
some way
 it is not.
And all I seem to feel now is heart to the floor.

With all of this, I find myself now looking and reaching for Annabelle knowing I need her so much more now than ever before...  the message she sends I can't seem to locate or recall. and...it seems I can't find her or the reasons why she now exists on paper.

I guess this is how life is... you take the good, but you must take the bad as well. Always a give and a take. I suppose it would be too much to ask if I wished for some good and some good. Life just doesn't work this way. At least not for me.

So, all that's left is to not give up. Annabelle, she will come back to me. I know. Time will bring her back to me. Time is a wonderful friend who eventually fixes everything...

Germany by the way was lovely...bittersweet lovely. No books were sold, but it was an amazing experience...
Met some incredible people from all over the world... and I felt at home when I was surrounded by all the books...so many so many books.

And this book..my book... well,  now it brings me into the next realm of things...that of an unknown working to share it with many,,,,hmmm
would help then if I could reach Annabelle... be Annabelle.

So, on this note... I shall be off ...I leave you with a pic from Germany.. the River Rhine... where all seemed possible then. When all seemed like I could get good and good all at once. Silly me. Silly me for thinking this.

All my love,
Jenny
Cheers x

Oh and here is the link for my long-awaited press release...
http://www.prlog.org/10991725-annabelles-love-your-first-love-should-always-be-yourself.html

and an extra link on my author page...
http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/AnnabellesLove.html

Ich wunshce Ihnen eine angenehme Reise.

Guten tag!
Ich heibe Jenny.
Ich bin American.
Ich komme aus New Jersey.
Wo ist der taxistand?
Wo ist die toilette?

These are the very few phrases I have learned so far... I clearly have a lot more to learn. I can't possibly  maintain any conversation with a native German with phrases consisting of Hello! My name is, I'm American, I'm from New Jersey, Where is the taxi stand? Where is the bathroom?

Clearly, I have a long way to go and very little time to do it. Learning how to get by on some more German was my intention... knowing that now I need to get by on a pathetic amount of German and lots of physical movements in the hopes that most people speak English (silly spoiled American) is my reality.

I'm off in two days time to my very first book fair in Frankfurt, Germany to show this book off ;), to share this book with many, to begin a lot of talk about this book and to hopefully have some German publishing company wish to publish my book in German.  All of this planned just in time to get the "travel warning"... so sad... so depressing...so scary really.

Like I haven't been all sorts of messy and stressed out about this trip already and what it means for me... the beginning of something, I hope! Let's throw in some fear of ....you know...can't bring myself to say it.

Nevertheless, aside from this fear and these nerves, I feel quite fantastic. As if I could separate all of these different feelings into little compartments, I've managed to feel quite pleased... Today, I received one expected package and one unexpected email.

The expected contained my PROOF copy of the book (yay!)... that I will need to examine very very closely so I can approve it... This means (after my approval) all will be set in motion more so than it has been already.

The unexpected came from the very reason I became a teacher... the very reason I wrote a book for children. It was an email and it was adorable and funny and honest but most of all it contained an "I miss English class from last year." and, well, you know... which person on earth wouldn't want to be missed by the very reason he or she works so hard for???

Sooooo..... so what...my German is pathetic? Who needs to master this language a bit more in order to get by these next few days??? Well, me ....but honestly, today (right now) I can't seem to sit still with all the bubbly happiness stirring up inside of me... I guess, this German will have to do...just have to do!

And, in the end, when all is said and done, I wish myself this and this here only, and I hope you do too...

Ich wunshce Ihnen eine angenehme Reise.

Because it means " I hope you have a pleasant journey."  ... I wish this for myself so very much...

All my love,
Jenny
x

I will try to post while in Germany, but most likely it will not happen until I return! I may even add some pictures of the entire experience as well.

I remember...

Days of tan skin and chilled white wine
some sandy feet days and grass-stained shorts
of countless words placed on paper
written and typed with my fingers
or read and read over with my eyes
daydreams filled with bright bright brightness
and hope...lots of hope
of long phone calls and longer emails
busy catching up with sleep
and old memories
Days of clear visions and
moving and swaying hips
of organization of this or that
or photos toyed with over and over again
of small responsibilities but large empty pockets
never the matter
cause they were the days...
the days of summer

and now I remember these days
and feel like reversing time
cause these days
are days of white cold skin and red wine ...lots of red wine
to get me through covered feet and chalk-stained pants
of countless words squeezed in just in the nick of time
written by me not when inspired but when forced
and now words written on paper must be inspected for
spelling and context
now my naps are lost minutes of darkness
and I have hope... lots of it for
a Saturday or a Sunday
long gone are the long phone calls
these days I am a professional texter cause
what needs to get said is said
these days I'm busy catching up with this to do list and that other
one over there
oh  and yes, three more left at home
blurred vision greets me in the morning and late at night
and the only swaying that takes place
involves my dead tired body as it drifts off to bed
where disorganization breathes down my neck
every single second
of my day
and my photos-- wait, what photos?
haven't had a moment to snap
responsibilities is what my days start with
and ends with
those empty pockets?
still empty.

But, I remember...
and I won't forget
so this here is why I write
cause these memories need to get off my chest

And I need to get used to these days of present
they are not so bad...
I guess.

So on this note, I'm off to tackle a duty imposed by these here days.
all my love then,
Jenny

P.S. My proof copy is coming.. .. it's in the mail I heard today...! And next week is the Book Fair in Germany which I am attending...how can I then complain, really?
I mean really???!!
;)
x

My Single and Wretched "What If"

Recently, something has come back. It has joined me again and now presently swarms throughout my mind day and night, day and night.

Captain What If is single, determined and wretched. It weighs heavy on my heart, and its answer never reveals itself. It just continues on its miserable journey and pops us unexpectedly. It's all so familiar.

And, by now I should know it always comes back no matter what walls I put up. It crushes them to pieces and renders them worthless.
Laughs at the rubbles.


My what if longs to be "on top of the world" again -always has wanted this- but for now it feels most comfortable in its wretchedness, doubt and worry.

And, thank goodness for the work that keeps me busy day and night. Thank goodness for the hope I have for this Annabelle. Thank goodness for crazy families and steadfast friends. These keep, for moments at a time, ...these keep Captain What If at bay ...at arm's length. For moments, I'm free.

But, don't worry my what if, I have pledged myself to you. You will never leave my side and I yours...until perhaps the day (one could hope) we are both "on top of the world."

Until then, we are joined on this search
and journey.
x

Jenny etc... in the name department.

Last week in my pursuit to promote this little book I wrote, an article was written and posted about me and it in the local paper. The article was perfectly lovely, and it had all the correct quotes with all the sweetest comments. However, what it didn't have was my correct name. In fact, my name was listed as Jenny Martin.

Of course, I was teased. Of course, I was teased some more. Of course, I was teased PERIOD. And, I held it together and laughed it off and tried to find the exact words to examine it all and explain it ( I know I have a plentiful of ands here).

I wasn't sure what exactly was bugging me about it all ( I mean besides the obvious) and then a funny text was sent by my friend. It said," I thought you got married again?!"

haha.

And then I knew what I have always known ... that somehow I have made a mess of my life or at the very least... my names.
You see,
I was born with Jenny Ramirez
in my early twenties, I became Jenny Bingley
that was short- lived
 then, in my late twenties, I became Jenny Hart
and, just recently, after all I've gone through, I am now
 Jenny Ramirez Hart. (not Jenny Martin)

I just don't know how to feel about this all, for it is all for me a bit embarrassing. A bit painful and honestly a bit sad.

But, in the end, what can I do about it really? What can I change about the decisions I've made? What time machine exists?

Clearly, there is nothing I can do, there is nothing I can change and there is most certainly no time machine to climb in and escape away.

I can do nothing but feel okay about it all I suppose--hope to feel at peace with it even if I could someday because it's what I've done, what I have been through and what has made me the person I am today.

 So call me Jenny Ramirez  or Jenny Hart or Jenny Ramirez Hart, Jenny Martin even... all I know is that I am Jenny etc in the name department.. and there is nothing I can do about it... not one thing.

I suppose this is one more reason why I wrote this book for the little Annabelles in the world...who hopefully will be wise in all their years (young and old) and who may always know the right decisions to make and the right actions to take... all the wise and right moves to make.

x

p.s.
Here is the link to said article...(name has been corrected btw)

www.northjersey.com/news/102560429_Writer_tells_young_girls_to_look_within.html